Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol

You've seen this bit a million times in the trailers, but it's still pretty friggin' sweet.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Stunts and Effects: 95% 
Logic: 14%
Soundtrack: 85% 
TnA: 60% 
Cognitive Decline of Audience: 44% 
Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 11 out of 12 

There is a new Mission: Impossible out in non-IMAX theatres this week (serious filmgoers got to see it on the BIG big screen last week). Which, at least for this action junkie, demands the question: Which Ethan Hunt do we get today? Do we get crew cut and paranoid Ethan Hunt from the first M:I? Anime-haired/spin-move Ethan Hunt from M:I2? Concerned husband and practical-looking Ethan Hunt from M:I3? Or none of the above?

Y’see, the Mission: Impossible film franchise has always been a vanity project of Tom “The Running Man” Cruise --- an opportunity for the actor to fulfill every interracial lip lock and extreme sports fantasy he can imagine. In that, Tom has been extremely successful, but it has made the reoccurring schizophrenic role of Ethan Hunt a bronze holder to the very distinctive James Bond and Jason Bourne.

In Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, we get a different Ethan Hunt entirely --- one lightyears from the devoted husband we got in Mission: Impossible 3. While this film uses the J.J. Abrams-helmed previous film as a bit of character motivation, it’s apparent that Tom Cruise’ knows his game is so strong that he can carry a soft script armed just with his trademark intensity and charm. And he’s right. M:I4 is utter nonsense. The type of film where Cruise and the rest of the actors speed-read through the exposition hoping we won't catch on that it’s crap. Right again.

What isn't crap is the playful nature of Incredible’s director Brad Bird’s first live-action turn. Bird has a cartoon imagination, an action movie budget, and one of cinema’s highest-grossing actors of all-time. He waste nothing and his take on action in Ghost Protocol is massive. While Brian De Palma took the Hitchcockian approach on the first M:I, John Woo took the heavy-handed Hong Kong cinema approach with M:I2, and J.J. Abrams took the Alias-approach with M:I3, Bird manages to out over-the-top all three films by making the most physics-less set pieces out of the Kremlin and several (horizontal and vertical) miles of Dubai.

It’s all equally familiar and new and exciting just watching Bird make a 49-year-old (!) Tom Cruise run, jump, and almost fly for two hours. Finally, this confirms a suspicion of mine that Cruise doesn’t have to act like Ethan Hunt, because he is Ethan Hunt.

Tom Cruise is in this movie, right?

DRIVE

DRIVE 

Stunts and Effects: 95%
Logic: 90%
Soundtrack: 90%
TnA: 60%
Cognitive Decline of Audience: 04% 
Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 11 out of 12

This is coming at you from the great divide. I've been pretty slow lately, but it's because I have a decent excuse. I'm working on a novel, and am going to self publish it soon, and have been toiling away in seclusion. But, I have been watching movies, and am here to report to you about my official top movie of the year, DRIVE (2011, Directed by Nicholas Winding Refn).

           

The story is blood simple. A nameless Hollywood Stuntman (Ryan Gosling) moonlights as a driver for anybody that pays well and stays quiet. You give him a place, and a time, and the money, and he'll give you five minutes. As the story unfolds, he ends up getting in over his head with gangsters after he tries to help his neighbors ex con husband take care of a debt. Carey Mulligan (Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps) plays Irene, the beautiful neighbor he falls in love with, while Oscar Isaac (SUCKER PUNCH) plays Standard, the ex con in over his head.

The gangsters are rounded out by a collection of all stars. Cristina Hendricks plays the strung out accomplice, Blanche, trying to get out of a debt herself. It’s the polar opposite of the iconic role she plays as Joan Harris in Mad Men, and she pulls it off perfectly. Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad, Lincoln Lawyer (2011)) plays Shannon, the Drivers manager of the legal and illegal variety, while Ron Perlman plays Nino, a ruthless mobster who doesn't show any mercy to anyone he meets. The biggest surprise of the movie is Bernie Rose, played spot on by comedy legend Albert Brooks. That's right, that tough as nail actor from The Muse (1999) and Finding Nemo (2003) plays the baddest motherfu**ing gangster of the year. It just adds more greatness to the best damn movie of my movie watching year.

You better find me that f***in' fish or I'll cut your balls off!

       

            There is so much about this movie I love it's hard to know where to start. In this age of fast “Bourne” style editing it was SO refreshing to see a movie that didn't rely on shaky cam and other BS gimmicks to create a false sense of excitement. If there was ever a move that actually learned lessons from such car chase classics as BULLIT (1968), The Seven-Ups (1973), The French Connection (1971), and Vanishing Point (1971) this is it. The car chasing are fun, exciting, and loaded with tension not present in most modern action films.

            But unlike those films, if you put “Stanley Kubrick” in the part that says “Directed by” you wouldn't be stupid if you thought he actually directed it. The movie has Kubrick elements all over it. The pacing, line delivery, and the “simplicity” of the story are all elements you could juxtapose with (certain) Kubrick films. The movie has received raved reviews and the director, Winding Refn, has already won Best Director at the Canne film festival, which is not a small honor these days. He's also done BRONSON (2008) and VALHALLA RISING (2009). I've seen both of those movies, and I don't know what either of them was about, but they were both good. I'm exaggerating, I know what both were about, and they were just really “out there”. With DRIVE we have a simple action story that simmers throughout. Its amazing storytelling, and this director deserved the praise, because like Kubrick’s classics, you can feel the director telling this story, pushing and pulling you along whether you like it or not.

            One important aspect of the film that hammers home that point is the music. At times it fills the emptiness and acts as a chorus, reminding us where we are and telling us where we need to go, or what is going on. Of course you could say that any major movie has these elements but in this film the music takes a primacy and carry's everything along. Also, it has a heavy 80's vibe, and these days anything with even a hint of 80's makes me want to dream. I am going to get the soundtrack at all costs.

What else can I wax on about? It’s shot buetifully. It's written well. It lacks pretention. Do I have any criticisms? Yes, the Driver comes off as a bit of a Zombie, and the movie can be slow at times. Not to me, I thought the pacing was great, but I heard some people complaining about it on the way out. But that was them, not me.

 If you are a car guy (as I) or a movie person (as I) go see this movie. It is haunting, hypnotic, exhilarating, and at times sublime. It’s stellar. My favorite of the year, hands down.

PS: At least until Imortals comes out. I am a huge Tarsem Singh fan, and this movie looks like it is going to be pretty amazing.

PPS....Christina Hendricks...because God Bless America...

FANTASTIC FORUM EPISODE 30: STARING ME!

Hi Everybody, just to let you know, I appeared on the Fantastic Forum recently to discuss everyone's favorite capped crusader, BATMAN! We discuss what makes him great, what his best stories are, etc, and it's a whole lot of fun! Also, a company that produces REAL replica Batmobiles is visited and comic book artist David Finch (one of my favorites) is interviewed.

Special thanks to Ulysses E. Campbell for letting me blab in front of a camera! You rock!

 It's a great episode, and can be viewed below.

P.S I'm the guy with the beard. ; )

Bitch Slap

Stunts and Effects: 90%
Logic: 9%
Soundtrack: 56%
TnA: 89%
Cognitive Decline of Audience: 90% 
Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 11 out of 12

The Grindhouse resurgence shows no signs of stopping. First it was Planet Terror and Death Proof in 2007, which was followed by (in no particular order) Black Dynamite, Drag Me To Hell, Piranha 3D, Machete, and Hobo with a Shotgun, but it seems that the home video market (and, in particular, Netflix) are where the schlockiest of schlock goes to find an audience. That is the case of Bitch Slap, a heist flick that is heavy on the visual pleasures but a little misguided when it comes to depicting the Grindhouse charm that it attempts to satire.

One of the best action sequences of the last decade. Seriously.

Wikipedia describes the plot of Bitch Slap as being about three women who “arrive at a remote desert hideaway to extort massive booty from a ruthless underworld kingpin.” Now, I’m sure that’s what was going on while I was watching it (or should I say, “oggling it"), but the fact that I didn’t care enough to decipher even the flimsiest of plot mechanics is a testament to how nonsensical the whole thing is. Sure, this was the intent of the filmmakers (no arguments there) but it kind of denies the movie your attention for almost an hour before things get interesting.


Bitch Slap doesn’t really fulfill it’s goal of “Building a Better B-Movie” (although some of the cinematography is stellar) until the film completely removes the male element and let’s the ladies go for broke. Don’t get me wrong, this film isn’t attempting to reverse the male fantasy in favor of the females (like Tarantino’s Death Proof), but a pair of climactic catfights does prove that the actresses (and, more specifically, their stunt women) not only “get” the joke but also have the enthusiasm to deliver the punchline. Their showdown raises the whole thing from an Axe commercial to an indefensible guilty purchase.

Die Hard

Back when Bruce Willis gave a fuck.

Stunts and Effects: 95%
Logic: 55%
Soundtrack: 95%
TnA: 20%
Cognitive Decline of Audience: 20% 
Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 12 out of 12

When Die Hard arrived to theatres in 1988, it instantly fathered a number of cinematic bastards in its wake. Studios seemed all too eager to pitch the next big blockbuster as “Die Hard on a noun.” (Six years later, Speed would dethrone Die Hard as the go-to action film template.) Hollywood, however, sought only to mimic the high concept and failed to recognize how humor and personality factored into making the film so memorable.

Harry Potter would've shit himself if he was up against Hans instead of Snape.

As John McClane, Bruce Willis owns the first and third act of Die Hard. Arrogant as fuck but not off-putting, Willis' star power seemed almost destined to shine in his breakthrough role, but it's the supporting cast of characters that toughens the film's second act. Suddenly, Die Hard charmingly alternates between comedy, character, and action. Outside of Willis, no one actor exemplifies this better than faux-terrorist Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman). Rickman walks onto the film with assuredness and precise timing. Everything Rickman says has a bitter punch line and his assortment of multi-cultural henchmen walk that mandatory thin line between competency and ineptness.


Narrowing down Willis' heroic options are the LAPD, and the FBI. Along with the radioed anxiety of desk jockey Al Powell (Reginald Vel Johnson), these character add an exuberance to the ramped up violence (seriously, 80s action films were only a centimeter away from matching horror films in terms of bloodshed).


By the end of the film, the cast of background characters have made as impressionable and personable mark as our quip-y protagonist. It's this element that seemed to elude every clone thereafter, cementing Die Hard as one of the granddaddies of the genre to this day.

Apparently, There is more than meets the eye here....

Okay, Bay, you’ve won this round….

As we all know, TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON came out recently, made a crap ton of cash, and will probably spawn another sequel unless Bay and Spielberg are truly bored with the franchise and decide to take a break.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have choice things to say about Michael Bay the Director. Most of it is harsh. As a matter of fact, anything after THE ROCK (1996) has probably put me in a hate coma, or something close.

With TRANSFORMERS, and TRANSFORMERS whatever the sequel is, he pretty much took everything I hated about him, Hollywood, and corporate America for that matter, and put it all into a big ball of bad cinema that only, occasionally, had sparks of true awesome. And I only say that because, like anyone else born after 1980, I am a huge TRANSFORMERS fan. Not a super fan, but I grew up on the stuff.

I’m thinking of that scene from the first TRANSFORMERS, where Optimus Prime lays down some ownage on Bonecrusher. Like it or not, that scene was eye popping. Awesome. Robot on Robot battle porn. Great stuff.

TRANSFORMERS: Dark Of the Moon? Loaded with that. But, even better, it has even more ROBOT moments. The whole Sam thing? Still there. But who cares. The supporting cast isn’t as insufferable this time around, and they even managed to give it a (somewhat) cohesive plot.

But the absolute best part? They took out the junk effect. That garbage on garbage look? I couldn’t even see it! It plagued the first two films, but this time around they slowed it down and just showed us what the hell was going on. Amazing.

Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be some rambling love fest. I just had to admit it. This time around Bay brought me into the fold. I have to give it to him.

TRANSFORMER: Dark of the Moon is one kick ass, awesome action movie.

There. Now get out of here.

GO!

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.
D. Scarzilla

PPS... Here are some pictures of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley...Because I said so!

THE TOP 5 DINO DI LAURENTIIS PRODUCED ACTION MOVIES

I want you to name me a bunch of actors you can think of right now. Anybody. Go.

Who popped into you head? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Arnold? John Wayne? Jason Statham? Bruce Lee? Pretty easy right?

Now do directors. Go ahead.

Who’d you come up with? Spielberg. Donner. Michael Mann. McTiernan. JJ Abrams. Zach Synder. Frank Capra.

Now do producers. Pretty hard, isn’t it? I mean, think of your favorite movies, or just movies you like, and think about the PRODUCERS behind those movies. There’s a couple that pop up. Like the Weinstein’s, or Lucas, or Joel Silver. But besides those, I bet you couldn’t place a name to a movie. And let’s be honest, most producers probably like it that way. Let the stars and directors have the limelight, I’ll get $h!t done.

This shot right here is a pretty apt allegory for the movie making process.

 

Dino Di Laurentiis was not one of those producers. His name showed up in big letters before every movie. He’s worked with the best of the best directors, from Fellini to Cronenberg to Ridley Scott. He made stars like other people make breakfast. Arnold before Conan? An oddity. Briggitte Nielson after Red Sonja? Still an oddity, but you know who the hell she is.  But the point stands! He left behind a lifetime of movies to watch and enjoy and here are the top five Action Films produced by Dino Di Laurentiis.

Dino with John Ford...

                                  

Dino the Great holding up the spoils of war...

 

 In his later years, just looking cool. 

         So without further ado, here are the top five action movies produced by Dino DiLaurentiis!!!!

5.      ASSASINS (1995):

      Written by the Wachowski Brothers, Directed by Richard Donner, starring Sylvester Stallone (In his 90’s prime), Antonio Banderes, and Juliane Moore. It’s a classic “getting out of the business” assassin movie, with Stallone playing Robert Rath, a grizzled veteran looking to retire and Antonio Banderas playing Miguel Baine, the upstart that wants to prove himself by taking out Rath, or at least proving he’s better. Judging by the ingredients listed above this movie should have been more of a hit, but it stands as a olid, but not much loved, action movie.
 

            The best part of the film is Bendaras. He plays crazy, and this role was one in what turned out to be a banner year for him action wise, with the release of the legendary DESPARADO (1995) the same year. He was also in FOUR ROOMS, but that’s foo foo cinephile stuff. We’re here to talk about action.

            Stallone gives an understated performance, as does Julianne Moore, who plays a computer expert that get’s wrapped up in their murderous game. It’s a good movie, and worth a watch if you feel the need for an assassin fueled adrenaline rush.

4.      U-571 (2000)

Nothing spells tension like being caught in a tin can underwater surrounded by bombs and enemies you can’t see. This star driven thriller is one of the better examples of Submarine films that follow in the footsteps of DAS BOOT (1981). U-571 was a star driven film with Matthew McConaughey, Bill Paxton, Harvey Keitel and more that told the story of a group of Americans that manage to take over a German submarine during World War II to capture one of the famed enigma machines (to decode encrypted messages sent by the Germans). This is one of those movies that gives you a history lesson while blowing stuff up and it also has excellent performances from the all star cast. Check it out.

Camera's on...everybody look hard....

 

3.      Army Of Darkness (1992)

This is just one my favorites. I quote it all the time, reference it whenever I can, and literally HAVE to watch it till the end when it’s on T.V. Ash, who works at S-Mart, get’s thrown back in time to the medieval ages by the Necronomicon (or sum such) and he ends up fighting an army of undead. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds, and all the better for it.

Unofficially, it’s the third in the Evil Dead franchise, which launched Sam Raimi to fame. The whole series is unique because the first is a totally low budget horror film, the “sequel” is pretty much just  a remake of the first one, and the Army Of Darkness goes in a totally different direction altogether. I feel that it’s the most loved of the series and shows off Raimi’s talents on more levels than the first two. It’s a great comedy AND a action adventure but still has genuine horror aspects that will make your spine tingle.

I don’t know how Dino got around to producing this, but God bless him for shelling out the cash for this one. Good on him.

2.      Dune (1984)

            THE SPICE IS LIFE! That, along with any other number of quotable quotes can be had from this sci-fi bonanza. Based on the bestselling books of Frank Hubert and Directed by the ever wild and crazy David Lynch, this movie is totally Dino. Star studded, sprawling, meandering story, and grandiose settings all combine to make this an absolute classic.

 Every breath you take...every move you make..I'll be watching you....

                    

            Just talking about the costumes in this movie could take up a whole post, or the aliens, or the power dynamics, anything. I mean, it's got STING acting for craps sake. It's got Capt Jean Luke Picard. Giant space worms. The SPICE!

            No wonder I love this movie.

1.      CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)

The masterpiece of John Milius, the movie that cemented Arnold as THE action star, and the best example of the genre there ever will be, there is no disputing that Conan the Barbarian is the greatest action gift ever given to us from Dino the Great.

Arnold in stealth mode....

                               

I'm sure you've seen it. If you haven't get your ass on Netflix and get it in a dvd player.

It is a movie that has an incredible lack of flaws. It is perhaps one of the finest films ever made. I write this with an absolute straight face. It's about power. It's about brutality. It's about revenge. It's amazing, and if it wasn't for Dino Di Laurentiis we wouldn't have it.

  'Scuse me, sun's in my eyes...

 

In Conclusion

That's it, the best of the best action movies form one of the biggest producers to ever grace cinema.

With a career spanning more than 50 years and a stable of directors and actors nestled comfortably under his thumb, he was an integral part of movie history the likes of which will rarely be seen in this ever more corporate movie world we're moving towards.

Big Ego's still run Hollywood, but in the land of giants, Dino put the rest in his shadow. Rest In Peace.

Honorable Mentions:

ORCA (1977):

Take JAWS (1975) and set it in a coldest Canada and replace the whale with a shark and you have ORCA.

It goes a bit deeper than that, like discussing ideas of animal intelligence (beyond wow that things smart enough to kill us!) and the limits of obsession, etc, but it really is Jaw’s  with a whale, and worth watching at least once for the great performance from Richard Harris, and others.

FLASH GORDAN (1980).

A cult classic of the highest order, I love watching for the costumes and little details that shine so bright. It’s a riot that, like ORCA, you have to watch at least once. You can’t go in expecting it to be a great movie. If you do you’ll walk away disappointed. If you sit down and expect to see something unique, colorful, and a relic of a bygone era, you’ll walk away impressed and satisfied.

P.S Just more great posters from an awesome career in movies.