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| Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 4 out of 12 |
Hansel and Gretel have joined their pals Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) and Snow White (and the Huntsman) by getting a Hollywood makeover. My best guess: The Brothers Grimm needed the money to payback Charlie Sheen.
*Sigh* Let's get on with it...
The Story:
The concept is about what you'd expect: The fairy tale brother-sister couple have grown up, trading their German accents in for squeaky fetish gear and Matrix-lite fight moves.
When the local village is struck by a series of child abductions, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemme Arterton) step in to solve the case. Unfortunately, they have to contend with an incompetent sheriff (Peter Stormare) and a town full of people who'd rather pyre first and ask questions later.
Several high-speed broomstick chases later and Hansel and Gretel discover that these kidnappings link back to that fateful day when they easy-baked their first witch.
(Actually, I think I made it sound more interesting than it really was.)
(Actually, I think I made it sound more interesting than it really was.)
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| Can you believe she is almost 50? Can you believe we still love Famke despite X-Men: The Last Stand? |
The People Who Get Paid to Talk:
When it comes to movies like H&G:WH I tend to sympathize for the actors involved. That is, the longer I sat through this film the more I became aware of the fact that actor Jeremy Renner, a two-time Academy Award nominee, was spending most of the movie's mercifully brief running time rolling around on the ground covered in "blood," punching and kicking rubber monsters. Actually, that pretty much sums up the work of all the actors involved: Peter Starmore (who was great as Lucifer in Constantine) says a few lines of exposition...gets punched in then nose, rolls on the floor, and spews fake blood. Famke Janssen (my favorite Bond Girl) says a few lines of exposition...gets punched in the baby-maker, rolls on the floor, and spews fake blood. The delicious Gemma Aterton (another Bond Girl) says a few lines of exposition and then...well, heaves her breast, punches somebody, rolls on the floor and spews fake --- you get the idea.
What is action a go go?
Well, the film's action gets a shoulder shrug at best (although, props to Zoe Bell for showing up for duty). Director Timothy Wirkola (Dead Snow) definitely finds surprising ways to earn the film’s R-rating, but the choreography feels like an endless series of pratfalls with leftover prosthetics from The Hobbit...
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| From this... |
What is action a no no?
Which brings me to the fact that this film was produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, the comedy team responsible for Talladega Nights and the like. For that reason, I'm willing to bet that Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters was originally intended to be more of an action-comedy (Think: Your Highness) than what we get here.
Supporting that theory is the fact that Director Timothy Wirkola's previous work, Dead Snow, relied on absurdity and hysterics just as much as it did its horror elements. The goal here seems kind of similar but, just like Dead Snow, the potential is wasted on low-budget splatter and jokes that go THUD. Instead, H&G:WH just views like another in a long line of fairy tales turned dim bulb Hollywood actioners.
The Verdict:
Supporting that theory is the fact that Director Timothy Wirkola's previous work, Dead Snow, relied on absurdity and hysterics just as much as it did its horror elements. The goal here seems kind of similar but, just like Dead Snow, the potential is wasted on low-budget splatter and jokes that go THUD. Instead, H&G:WH just views like another in a long line of fairy tales turned dim bulb Hollywood actioners.
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| ...to this. (I was going to comment on the decline of western civilization but then I realized how much I love this pic.) |
The Verdict:
Never trust a movie that opens with a prologue re-explaining a classic tale by making it less interesting than the original story. Hell...never trust a film that turns a time-tested classic into an action film. I should've known better, but so should Hollywood.
*Sigh*x2
At least we got to see Gemma Arterton in a corset.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts...
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