G.I JOE : RETALIATION...AKA Suck It Corbra

GI Joe: Retaliation

Directed by John M. Chu

Starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Channing Tatum

3 out of 5 Arnolds.

                                                          

So…back in 2009 a little movie came out that (as these Hollywood films tend to do) managed to sh** all over our childhoods with a big smile on its face. No, I’m not talking about Wolverine Origins, er…or Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. I’m talking about G.I Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

I didn’t see Rise of Cobra in theatres. I just couldn’t. The trailer was painful enough. I did, however, end up watching the movie on Netflix. I stopped through. It was just terrible. My childhood could only take so much violation. Thankfully, somehow, G.I Joe: Retaliation has managed to make up for those sins.

See this? The Rock does this the whole movie, and it's awesome.

As childish as it may sound, this film has two winning things going for it: Its f#@*&-it-lets-add-more-ninjas mentality and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The Rock primarily seals the deal, snuggly fitting into an action role that he can call home. True to form, Johnson delivers a totally committed performance throughout. I’ve always said he’s been the best part of a lot of bad movies, but here he gets to shine brightest.

As for the rest of the cast, few made it to the sequel. Channing Tatum sneaks in as Duke, and Ray Park is back as Snake eyes, but it says a lot about a movie franchise when your most popular character from the first movie doesn’t talk.

 Bruce Willis is a welcome (if underwhelming) addition to the cast, and Adrianne Palicki heats up the screen and holds her own with the rest of the good guys. On the side of evil, Luke Bracey’s Cobra Commander goes full tilt boogie. Bracey replaces Joseph Gordon-Levitt who originally played the Commander in Rise of Cobra. Honestly, it was a bit of a mystery as to why he played the part in the first place.

Adrianne Palicki is a great reason to see this movie....

Performances aside, what carries this movie is the action. Really, it’s no surprise coming from John M. Chu, the director of flashy substance-less fair like Step Up 3-D and Justin Beiber: Never Say Never. Somehow teaching Channing Tatum how to two-step prepared him to make one kick-ass action movie.

The downside to all this is that the movie is seemingly edited by a schizophrenic child and a story that is malformed.

Action A Go Go or Action A No No? ACTION A GO GO

But who wants to see an ACTION MOVIE for the story?

Just when the things got ridiculous, where you expect it to lose you, it manages to grab you and convinces you to just roll with it. I was literally smiling from ear to ear by the end of it because of the movies sheer audacity and genuine surprises.

Feel free to go see it and enjoy it. Just turn off your brain first...

P.S In case you were wondering, GI Joe: The Movieis still better and you can read about that here.

G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra: George Lucas Didn't Kill Your Childhood...This Movie Did.

Directed by Stephen Sommers
Starring Channing Tatum and Sienna Miller

2 out of 5 on the Schwarz-O-Meter

Just when you think there aren't enough villainous plots involving satellites and missiles, here comes G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

Mandatory Maxim: Rachel Nichols plays Scarlet

While man law dictates that I point out the watch-ability of a fire-headed Rachel Nichols, it is not enough to make the notable good intentions of Rise of Cobra worth your time. I say notable because, despite the online hostility that has been lobed at the film, I kind of feel that its heart was in the right place.

Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, Van Hellsing) likes to make shiny, silly things, and Cobra is filled with just that. Sets are decorated with the cheap-looking, kid-friendly, Korean plastic-ness of Hasbro toys and the story is met with an equally juvenile approach.

The producers' logic is understandable considering GI Joe's roots in playground combat. Unfortunately, Sommers and company disregard the fact that GI Joe's largest fanbase is all grown up. Compared to Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg's Transformers films --- which are FAR from sophisticated but at least stepped into the millennium with its playmates --- Rise of Cobra exposes the ridiculousness of it's core concept. Sure it's dumb, but we didn't come to relive our childhood memories in live-action only to reconfirm that it's, well...dumb.

Regardless, after years of pining for an honest to God Hollywood version of the animated movie, Cobra may be the live-action movie that G.I. Joe fans ultimately deserve.

Is it Action A Go Go or Action A No No? ACTION A NO NO
Storm Shadow looks like an Elvis impersonator. Do yourself a favor and keep your Saturday morning nostalgia intact.

SNITCH: If The Glove Doesn't Fit, The Rock Will Shove It Up Your Candy-@$$!

SNITCH
Directed by Ric Roman Waugh
Starring Dwayne Johnson and Susan Sarandon

3 out of 5 Stars on the Schwarz-O-meter

Action heroes shouldn't cry. They might shake their fist at the heavens after the death of a loved one -- they may even stare off into the distance contemplating the mindless cycle of violence they're incapable of stopping. But they shouldn't cry.

In Snitch --- the first in a train of upcoming roles for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson --- there is a lot blubbering. Like a lot. It all starts when Jason Collins (actor Rafi Gavron) gets arrested for intent to distribute. Turns out that the kid was embroiled in a sting operation and was rolled over by his drug dealing buddy. Now it's Jason's turn, but the kid won't give up the next guy. This forces poppa John (Johnson) to make a desperation move: Set up a drug connect that's valuable enough for the US Attorney (Susan Sarandon) to minimize his son's sentence.

Mandatory Maxim: Snitch star Nadine Velazquez

Snitch really takes you through the motions of this elaborate yet true-to-life (or “inspired by real events,” I can’t keep track anymore) drug bust. Exhaustively, John travels up the food chain at what can at times,feel like a glacial pace. Still, it makes great drama. As his web of lies starts to entangle co-workers and family, the desperation really latches onto you, giving every scene a sense of hopelessness.

And then there are the tears.

Director Ric Roman Waugh seems to uphold the same idea of “man pain” as Christopher Nolan. With a behemoth like “The Rock” as Waugh’s main protagonist, a tearful scene with Dwayne Johnson seems inevitable. When it happens, Waugh and Johnson manage to put you in the moment, turning our favorite pro wrestler-turned-action hero into an honest to God dramatic actor. I’m not saying Johnson is Cate Blanchet-good, but he’s at least willing to take a chance while sharpening his acting chops --- much in the same way as Sylvester Stallone (he did win an Academy Award, kids).

Is it Action A Go Go or Action a No No? ACTION A GO GO

Director-writer Ric Roman Waugh let's Snitch do what any good crime-drama should do: Push the audience to contemplate what they would do in this situation. It makes for tense entertainment.

In addition, The Rock’s reinforced sincerity carries the film into unexpected territories. It makes me very curious as to what else the actor is capable of putting on his back. With the upcoming films, Pain and Gain, Fast and Furious 6, and GI Joe: Retaliation, I think we might continue to be pleasantly surprised by him.