THE TOP 5 DINO DI LAURENTIIS PRODUCED ACTION MOVIES

I want you to name me a bunch of actors you can think of right now. Anybody. Go.

Who popped into you head? Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Arnold? John Wayne? Jason Statham? Bruce Lee? Pretty easy right?

Now do directors. Go ahead.

Who’d you come up with? Spielberg. Donner. Michael Mann. McTiernan. JJ Abrams. Zach Synder. Frank Capra.

Now do producers. Pretty hard, isn’t it? I mean, think of your favorite movies, or just movies you like, and think about the PRODUCERS behind those movies. There’s a couple that pop up. Like the Weinstein’s, or Lucas, or Joel Silver. But besides those, I bet you couldn’t place a name to a movie. And let’s be honest, most producers probably like it that way. Let the stars and directors have the limelight, I’ll get $h!t done.

This shot right here is a pretty apt allegory for the movie making process.

 

Dino Di Laurentiis was not one of those producers. His name showed up in big letters before every movie. He’s worked with the best of the best directors, from Fellini to Cronenberg to Ridley Scott. He made stars like other people make breakfast. Arnold before Conan? An oddity. Briggitte Nielson after Red Sonja? Still an oddity, but you know who the hell she is.  But the point stands! He left behind a lifetime of movies to watch and enjoy and here are the top five Action Films produced by Dino Di Laurentiis.

Dino with John Ford...

                                  

Dino the Great holding up the spoils of war...

 

 In his later years, just looking cool. 

         So without further ado, here are the top five action movies produced by Dino DiLaurentiis!!!!

5.      ASSASINS (1995):

      Written by the Wachowski Brothers, Directed by Richard Donner, starring Sylvester Stallone (In his 90’s prime), Antonio Banderes, and Juliane Moore. It’s a classic “getting out of the business” assassin movie, with Stallone playing Robert Rath, a grizzled veteran looking to retire and Antonio Banderas playing Miguel Baine, the upstart that wants to prove himself by taking out Rath, or at least proving he’s better. Judging by the ingredients listed above this movie should have been more of a hit, but it stands as a olid, but not much loved, action movie.
 

            The best part of the film is Bendaras. He plays crazy, and this role was one in what turned out to be a banner year for him action wise, with the release of the legendary DESPARADO (1995) the same year. He was also in FOUR ROOMS, but that’s foo foo cinephile stuff. We’re here to talk about action.

            Stallone gives an understated performance, as does Julianne Moore, who plays a computer expert that get’s wrapped up in their murderous game. It’s a good movie, and worth a watch if you feel the need for an assassin fueled adrenaline rush.

4.      U-571 (2000)

Nothing spells tension like being caught in a tin can underwater surrounded by bombs and enemies you can’t see. This star driven thriller is one of the better examples of Submarine films that follow in the footsteps of DAS BOOT (1981). U-571 was a star driven film with Matthew McConaughey, Bill Paxton, Harvey Keitel and more that told the story of a group of Americans that manage to take over a German submarine during World War II to capture one of the famed enigma machines (to decode encrypted messages sent by the Germans). This is one of those movies that gives you a history lesson while blowing stuff up and it also has excellent performances from the all star cast. Check it out.

Camera's on...everybody look hard....

 

3.      Army Of Darkness (1992)

This is just one my favorites. I quote it all the time, reference it whenever I can, and literally HAVE to watch it till the end when it’s on T.V. Ash, who works at S-Mart, get’s thrown back in time to the medieval ages by the Necronomicon (or sum such) and he ends up fighting an army of undead. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds, and all the better for it.

Unofficially, it’s the third in the Evil Dead franchise, which launched Sam Raimi to fame. The whole series is unique because the first is a totally low budget horror film, the “sequel” is pretty much just  a remake of the first one, and the Army Of Darkness goes in a totally different direction altogether. I feel that it’s the most loved of the series and shows off Raimi’s talents on more levels than the first two. It’s a great comedy AND a action adventure but still has genuine horror aspects that will make your spine tingle.

I don’t know how Dino got around to producing this, but God bless him for shelling out the cash for this one. Good on him.

2.      Dune (1984)

            THE SPICE IS LIFE! That, along with any other number of quotable quotes can be had from this sci-fi bonanza. Based on the bestselling books of Frank Hubert and Directed by the ever wild and crazy David Lynch, this movie is totally Dino. Star studded, sprawling, meandering story, and grandiose settings all combine to make this an absolute classic.

 Every breath you take...every move you make..I'll be watching you....

                    

            Just talking about the costumes in this movie could take up a whole post, or the aliens, or the power dynamics, anything. I mean, it's got STING acting for craps sake. It's got Capt Jean Luke Picard. Giant space worms. The SPICE!

            No wonder I love this movie.

1.      CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)

The masterpiece of John Milius, the movie that cemented Arnold as THE action star, and the best example of the genre there ever will be, there is no disputing that Conan the Barbarian is the greatest action gift ever given to us from Dino the Great.

Arnold in stealth mode....

                               

I'm sure you've seen it. If you haven't get your ass on Netflix and get it in a dvd player.

It is a movie that has an incredible lack of flaws. It is perhaps one of the finest films ever made. I write this with an absolute straight face. It's about power. It's about brutality. It's about revenge. It's amazing, and if it wasn't for Dino Di Laurentiis we wouldn't have it.

  'Scuse me, sun's in my eyes...

 

In Conclusion

That's it, the best of the best action movies form one of the biggest producers to ever grace cinema.

With a career spanning more than 50 years and a stable of directors and actors nestled comfortably under his thumb, he was an integral part of movie history the likes of which will rarely be seen in this ever more corporate movie world we're moving towards.

Big Ego's still run Hollywood, but in the land of giants, Dino put the rest in his shadow. Rest In Peace.

Honorable Mentions:

ORCA (1977):

Take JAWS (1975) and set it in a coldest Canada and replace the whale with a shark and you have ORCA.

It goes a bit deeper than that, like discussing ideas of animal intelligence (beyond wow that things smart enough to kill us!) and the limits of obsession, etc, but it really is Jaw’s  with a whale, and worth watching at least once for the great performance from Richard Harris, and others.

FLASH GORDAN (1980).

A cult classic of the highest order, I love watching for the costumes and little details that shine so bright. It’s a riot that, like ORCA, you have to watch at least once. You can’t go in expecting it to be a great movie. If you do you’ll walk away disappointed. If you sit down and expect to see something unique, colorful, and a relic of a bygone era, you’ll walk away impressed and satisfied.

P.S Just more great posters from an awesome career in movies.

 

 

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LAST ACTION HERO: Man, The Real World Sucks

Last Action Hero: Man, The Real World Sucks….

For as many awesome, high grossing big budget blockbusters as Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in, it’s important to remember even he has been in some flops. The list is not short, and includes ERASER (1996), BATMAN AND ROBIN (1997), The 6^th Day (2000), and Collateral Damage (2002). Now, those movies might not be complete money losers or complete stinkers, but it’s easy to argue that the whole decade after ERASER was full of week films that don’t have the staying power of PREDATOR (1987) or TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY (1991). Sadly, LAST ACTION HERO is one of the films that falls into the former category of films that were more miss than hit. I know, it was made years before ERASER. True. But it was still an underperformer.

                                                Upset Arnold...

Thankfully, time has been kind to this film, and while it’s incomprehensible at times, it serves as a bright shinning homage to everything we, and I do me WE, love about action movies AND that beautiful bag of art called cinema. It also goes pretty deep on a few different levels in terms of our heroes, movie reality, our reality, and how we relate to each. You just need to pay CLOSE attention, cause under all that gloss and cheese is seriously a wicked commentary and the nature of cinema itself.

                                                   Happy Arnold.....

THE SMART AND WONKY STORY …

Normally I try and give a break down/plot summary but for this movie I’d have a freaking book written by the time I was done, so here’s the short version. Danny Madigan (played by a young Austen O’Brian) loves action movies. He’s one of us. He knows the tropes and the plot points and everything. He is in a “real” realm. He receives a “magic ticket” as a gift from a kind old projectionist/mentor. The ticket turns out to be legit and sends him into the latest Schwarzenegger film (yes, the real Schwarzenegger) JACK SLATER IV.

         This is a totally normal platonic relationship we have....now smile!

This level of storytelling is where the movie get’s clever. It opens up at the end of Jack Slater III. In that opening you see how Jack Slater goes up against his nemesis the Ripper (played by an always dapper TOM NOONAN), who has taken over an elementary school and is holding Slater’s son hostage. After that scene plays out the real burns, bringing us into the “real” world where Dennis Madison is, then we get the info that JACK SLATER IV is coming out. In number IV Slater is going to avenge the death of his second cousin at the hands of the mob. It’s intentionally ridiculous and shows that Slater himself is at the end of his franchise life. The only other film I can think of off the top of my head that pulls off such a good “beginning within a beginning” sequence is SERINITY (2005). To me it’s the best way to get everyone up to speed in short order, saving everyone precious time so that we can soak in explosions and gunfire. That almost sounds comfortable.

        You know you've made it when you get your own useless, stupid playing cards...

And then the freight train that is this movie keeps on going. It is hard to sum up everything that goes on, but it’s safe to say that the multiple levels of story work to great affect. In this Hollywood land we get thrown into we see it all. Ridiculously dressed up super women, stupid buddy cop combinations (my favorite was half cop half rabbi teamup), a cartoon cop cat (voiced by Danny DeVito), and many explosions and lots and lot’s of bullets. It’s just plain big budget fun. What makes it work is Danny. He’s constantly calling out everything, making us aware of the action movie rules, talking about the sequels, and how this movies story is going to suck because they already went through all the good ideas for the first three films. For the true action fan, it’s delicious.

It is a huge !@#%ing mess though. No getting over that.

           

AND JOHN MCTIERNAN

It’s fitting that the man who help build the definitive action genre with movies like PREDATOR (1987) and DIE HARD (1988) would create a movie that totally rips the genre and the system that produces it a gaping huge *expletive deleted*. It is testament to his talent that the movie manages to go deeper than that.

In this film McTiernan’s genius makes itself clear in the “real” world. It’s there where McTiernan goes out of his way to remind us what we’re watching. With one scene, towards the end with Benedict (one of the main heavy’s, played spot on by Charles Dance) McTiernan manages to make one murder resonate with incredible consequence after a whole series of comical, gratuitous killings. Just saying, he’s a genius film maker and you need to pay attention to everything going on in the film.

It’s also written with the help of Shane Black, who worked on PREDATOR and has ascended the ranks to become an acclaimed director himself (Iron Man 3, anyone?).

ACTION MOVIE REFERENCE EXPLOSION

If you want a crash course in late 80’s early 90’s action cinema this movie is it. It has more references, guest appearances, walk on’s, and cameos than just about any movie this side of THE EXPENDABLES (2010). The list of stars that make an appearance (off the top of my head, mind you) goes like this: Van Damme, Sharron Stone, Chevy Chase, Damon Wayans, Robert Patrick, Sylvester Stallone (if you count cardboard), and Danny DeVito as a talking cartoon cat. And F. Murray Abraham is in there. Oh, and Antony Quinn play’s a mob boss.

It’s just mind numbing to think they were able to get this many stars to show up on film for one movie. That alone makes this one for the history books.

The movie references, nods to action movies that came before, are equally too hard to count. One of the opening lines is an overt reference to DIE HARD. Soon after that is an obvious LETHAL WEAPON nod. And it goes on and on.

At points it feels like one big Easter Hunt of action stuff and it’s all the better for it.

CHARLES DANCE….AN AMAZING BAD GUY

This guy should be in more movies. Period. His role of Benedict is so underrated it’s horrible. He’s smart, he’s cunning, he delivers great insults and knows how to undermine anyone around him, but the best part is that by the end of the film he manages to turn into something truly terrifying. He stops being a movie character and starts being a bad person.

Slater fails to fit in but Benedict hops into our realm and starts swimming like a champ. Movie heroes don’t work in the real world, but movie villains fit right in. Pretty deep.

Legend has it the role was written for Alan Rickman (another DIE HARD alum) but Rickman turned it down for God knows what reason. Honestly, I’m glad he did. Dance makes this role sing and stands toe to toe with Arnold with no problems.

                                   Mr. Dance in his prime. The bastard. 

And again, a truly great bad guy like this makes a truly great action movie.

           

Check him out in THE GOLDEN CHILD (1986), the Eddie Murphy classic that might be showing up here real soon. That’s a good one for him. And ALIEN 3 (1992). Simply honest talent.

SO WHY IS SOMEONE GOING TO TELL ME IT’S BAD?

Because it’s a movie that tries to do too many things at once. As I have said, it is a mess. Maybe it just does too much too well. When it’s ridiculous, it’s really out there. When it’s being an action extravaganza, the screen is just on fire. When you go back to New York it’s so grimy and soul crushing it’s hard to stay with the film itself.

           

It’s like John McTiernan is laughing too hard at his own joke.

But, it’s important to remember that this was made under the most “Hollywood” of circumstances. Lot’s of big egos, rewrites, huge paychecks, and a disastrous test screening that prompted a serous edit right before the movie was released. That alone is the kiss of death for any movies opening.

That’s all over now, thank the movie gods, and all we’re left with is this fine specimen of a movie that’s fine to watch as long as you don’t expect it to make sense. And look passed the cheese.

SIT BACK, RELAX, AND HANG ON

Just do it. Watch it, pay attention, take notes, and even (dare I say it) THINK! Cause this movie will make you do it whether you like it or not.

It’s an homage to cinema, action films, the land of Hollywood, and the fans. The people who PAY to watch this stuff. The people who religiously go even though we know the story before we watch it. We know the beats. We even call the endings. But we go because, most importantly, we want to be entertained.

And at the end of the day that’s all that really matters.

Watch and enjoy, my friends. They don’t get bigger than this.

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.

D. Scarzilla

PS. 

I'll just leave these here.....

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DOUBLE VAN DAMME TROUBLE

Double Van Damme Trouble

Double impact is not the best Van Damme movie. It's not the most popular. That would be Universal Soldier (1992). It's not the movie that made him a star. That would be Bloodsport (1988). It's probably also not a fan favorite. That would be CYBORG (1989). So where does that leave Double Impact (1991)? Right smack in the middle. That makes it a great opportunity to talk about what makes Van Damme, the actor, and Hong Kong, the best action movie city of all time work for us action types.

The story of Double Impact is fairly simple, as most early 90’s action movie stories are. Construction tycoon Phillip Wagoner (Andy Armstrong) attends the unveiling of an underwater tunnel he’s built to connect Hong Kong with mainland China. He attends with his wife (Katherine Wagoner, played by Sarah-Jane Varley), their two infant sons, and their Chinese maid (Wu Fong Lung). His business partner Nigel Griffith (Alan Scarfe) unveils the tunnel with them, and the celebration ensues. After the celebration the tycoon gives his bodyguard Frank Avery (an always entertaining Geoffrey Lewis) the night off. That proves to be a huge mistake. Once they get home the local kingpin, Raymond Zhang (an always entertaining Philip Chan) is waiting with his henchmen, led by Moon (an always awesome Bolo Yeung). Phillip puts up a fight, but both he and his wife are murdered. Frank shows up and starts letting off some bullets to bust up the party, but he’s too late. He sees the maid with the infants and tells her to book. She does, but only with one of the infants. He sees this, shoots Moon in the face, and picks up the baby. He gets shot in back and manages to escape. The last we see of the infants is Frank leaving on a boat to some unknown location, and the other baby is left in front of a orphanage and stumbled upon by a surprised nun.

From their, you get to the meat of the story. The twins are all grown up. It starts with Chad, who we see is a aerobics/karate instructor. Frank is still in the picture, and it’s revealed that Frank raised Chad in France and moved with him to America. THAT’S why Chad has an accent. Frank has found Alex, and convinces Chad to go with him back to Hong Kong to follow up on some “business” they have there. This is where the movie get’s good. Once they get there, funny stuff happens, and they find out Alex has become a connected Hong Kong gangster, with a stunning fiancé ( Danielle Wilde, played by Alonna Snow) who mistakes Chad for Alex and almost has relations with him. Then the brothers are together.

VAN DAMME, THE MAN, THE LEGEND….

So Van Damme play’s both brothers in the movie, and he really pulls it off. Chad is a yuppee, a spandex wearing karate knowing sub eighties personality that hasn’t discovered his inner bad ass. Alex is a gun toting gangster that spends most of the movie not trusting anybody, including his own wife. And Van Damme pull it off.

That might not sound like a big deal, but could Arnold pull it off? Sure, he did it in The 6^th Day (2000) but technically he was playing himself (literally a clone of himself). Those characters didn’t have to be different from each other.

Never saw Stallone do it. Or Bruce Willis. Or Seagal.

Of all 80’s to early 90’s action stars only Van Damme managed to pull off a convincing play at it, and it sort of illustrates what separated Van Damme in his prime from the other action stars at the time who actually knew Karate. The man could EMOTE!

Think about Chuck Norris. Do you see a snarling bad ass when you think of Chuck Norris? No, I see the plain faced ranger roundhouse kicking someone in the face. What about Steven Seagal? You see any intensity? No, you see someone twisting someones are and making them fall over. Now the guys are still awesome and bad ass! As an action afficianado I can understand that walker fu and fat fu (my pet name for Akido after watching will sasso’s dead on impression of Steven Segal) is all about style.

But with Van Damme you get the intensity! With Van Damme you get the anger! With Van Damme…you get ACTION!

Whether he’s kicking, screaming, or doing some other crazy thing he’s giving it his all. All the time. In a way he was doing the whole Jackie Chan thing before Jackie Chan was huge in the states. And this movie is a prime Van Damme example, because you’re getting both sides of the mythos. There’s the karate master side, which is always entertaining, and the gun blasting side, which is actually done well considering the director wasn’t John Woo. And that boy’s and girls is why I picked this movie to bring to the light of day. It’s fun to watch, silly even at times, but Van Damme delivers, and I personally think it’s his best ACTION performance. Not necessarily the best acting role (could be though) or the best movie, but it is a great VAN DAMME movie.

HONG KONG...YOU CAN'T BEAT IT...

There is something about Hong Kong that makes it the perfect action city. From the talent that flocked there from the mainland for generations to the pulsating streets themselves, Hong Kong is that capital of world when it comes to action movies, and this is one of the few action movies that's actually of not Chinese origin that manages to capture some of that magic.

The best parts that show this off are when they in the streets of Hong Kong planning their revenge and when they are on the water with the big beautiful city in the background. It's a crazy, bustling, exotic experience every time.

Van Damme would come back to Hong Kong again in his career for Knock Off (1998)(one of my guilty little pleasures. I remember Rob Schneider being interviewed for the film and it was like even he didn't know it existed). In fact, he would go on to work with the incredible John Woo in HARD TARGET (1993), but for whatever reason a more lasting, fruitful relationship between the personalities didn't come of it.

It's a shame, because of all the late eighties early nineties mega stars Van Damme was probably the most talented, and the most Hong Kong style at heart. Maybe we'll go deeper into Hard Target when the time is right...

CORRINA EVERSON AND BOLO YEUNG....

As with all my the movies I choose to show ya'll, this thing has some great bad guys. Bolo Yeung, the monstrous Chinese action star that appears in a collection of Van Damme films gives a great performance here. Apparently, after Bolo made Bloodsport (The movie that made Van Damme a star) with Van Damme they became fast friends, and worked on a bunch of movies with him ever since. This movie was one of those collaborations.

To me he's the closest thing to a Chinese Arnold Schwarzenegger to ever grace this earth. Except he's played mostly bad guys, and played them well. He's big, intimidating, and great at playing the strong silent type. To the point where once he actually say's something it slips right by you. He's great to watch and if you haven't seen him in a movie at least once you are not a true action fan.

Corrina Eversons role in the film as Cara is equally awesome. Corrina is a professional body builder in real life that has made the rounds in movies and T.V shows, most notably Double Impact and XENA: Warrior Princess.

In Double Impact its hard to put her role in it's place. She nails the part looks wise. The whole time she's either in spandex or latex, Thank God, and she gives just the right amount of attitude to her lines. But what really separates her from SO many many other “bad chicks” in action movies is the “interrogation” she give Danielle Wilde, Alex's fiance. Danielle and Kara are perfect opposites during the whole film, and this interrogation is so over the top homoerotic it's incredible. I mean, it's really unprecedented for a movie of this caliber and it sort of makes me wish it was a much bigger part of the movie. Check it out below.

The rest of the bad guys deliver as much as you want to deliver, with Alan Scarfe giving a particularly swarthy performance. Phillip Chan, of course, gives a soulful performance as the dapper don that hits all the right notes.

GEOFFREY LEWIS

This guy is one of the unsung Hollywood regulars. He's been in the business for years, but never celebrated.

Well guess what? I'm doing it right now. This guy is bad ass. His role in the movie is classic, AND HE ELEVATES the whole damn thing. Without him it wouldn't hold up at all

You need to find what else he's been and watch it.

He could play the sweet of Grandpa and I'd watch. Or the old bad ass raising little bad asses to take revenge on people like he's doing here. He's that talented, and he is one of those unsung Hollywood legends that we need to pay more attention to. This guys been around, and he's awesome. Mr. Lewis, if you are out there I SALUTE YOU!

THE SEX SCENE

Basically, it involves Chad and Danielle and Alex's jealously. It's the one part of the movie that always stuck with me, but not for the obvious reasons. It's a sex scene that's not a sex scene. I would prattle on about it, but I don't want to spoil it. YOU HAVE TO SEE THAT PART FOR YOURSELF! But trust me, it's worth it because it is a nifty inversion of what you would expect from a normal sex scene.

THE WEAK STUFF

Well, the good outweighs the bad, and it's a great movie for it's historical value alone, but there is weakness to be found here.

Most notably the story. It's thin. There are holes you could drive a flaming truck through.

It's mostly logic stuff though, and to be honest your sort of laughing with it more than against it. Like a child that's funny for the wrong reason, but still funny.

                                That better be your wallet or something down there...

Some of the acting is wooden as well. There could just be more intensity throughout the whole thing and it would have been a much better movie.

THE VERDICT

It's a legitimate classic, and an entertaining one at that. It's takes you back to that magical time that was the early 90's, and takes you there with a smile.

And it is a great specimen of the Van Damme variety. I know he's had a bit of a comeback recently. But honestly, he deserves more. Just watch this movie...he's put it lot's of legitimate work into becoming a star...you could watch JCVD (2008) also. The opening of that movie...wow...just wow.

Rumor has it that Van Damme is going to be in THE EXPENDABLES 2...along with BOLO. If that happens...man, my head will explode. But in the meantime take a step back and watch some classic Van Damme.

You will not be disappointed.

I'm so confident you won't be....I'm willing to bet....double!

P.S A bit of B Movie Trivia

Julie Strain is one of the aerobics extras in this movie. Points if you can find her!!!

Also, the Director of BLOODSPORT also Directed DOUBLE IMPACT. Who knew?

(As has been pointed out in the comments, Sheldon Lettich did not direct both movies, but he did write both! Thanks for catching that! Newt Arnold directed BLOODSPORT.)

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.

D. Scarzilla

P.S

Just for Giggles.....Corrina Corrina

The Early 90's weren't that bad after all...

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G.I Joe The Movie (1987): Animated Awesome To The Core!

                                      
The toy, the mindset, and the symbolism have been around for generations, and GI Joe's cultural endurance continues to personify the fighting American ideal. I'm waxing poetic here but like every boy my age, GI Joe The Movie IS unapologetic American jingoism at it's finest DAMMIT!

The Man...The Legend...Sgt. Slaughter

In the 80s, G.I Joe was at its zenith. It was right up there with Transformers, Star Wars, and everything else you can think of in terms of influence. More importantly...toys got sold (Oh God...if I had all the money back that I got my granddad to spend on G.I Joe's I wouldn't be poor right.)

From that awesome age came G.I. Joe The Movie. It's animated and it is a tour de force to this very day. The beginning of the movie sums it all up the best. It is so f&*%ing awesome I wish it played every time after I wake up in the morning. I'd be so down to kick a$$ for the rest of the day. It's one of the best beginnings in cartoon history, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a girl. A cooties filled girl.

After that the movie manages to do what a lot of live-action movies fail to do. It introduces a gaggle of new characters that are actually relevant to the new story without recycling too much from the show. Very tempting, given that there's a couple thousand characters in the G.I Joe universe to begin with.

Yes, kids. Sometimes shooting people is the answer.

This movie goes places most kids dared not dream when they were watching the show. Honestly, I'm sort of just going to degenerate here and list stuff off, because this movie is too awesome to fit into a blog: G.I JOE'S, the B.E.T, Cobra La, the origin of Cobra Commander, patriotism, Sgt. Slaughter, Don Johnson, Burgess Meredith, Nemesis Enforcer, Jazz, Duke, giant bugs, American flags, blue lasers, red lasers. Ninjas! Explosions! Hot (animated) chicks that know karate! 

                                   
This movie is the most kick ass thing about the G. I. Joe franchise, and something I have no guilt about loving to death. It has no downsides. Watch it. Just watch. And for fun, find it on VHS, fire up the VCR, and rock and roll. I know I've got my copy ready and waiting for me.

A parade of everything that is great about 'Merica.

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.

D. Scarzilla


P.S  What about G.I JOE: The Rise Of Cobra?

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5 BATTLE LA DISTRICT 9 SKYLINE

5: Battle : Los Angeles – A decent movie, not a great movie.

Hello All,

I saw BATTLE : Los Angeles this weekend and wanted to shoot out a quick review/opinion piece about this particular bit of cinema. No spoilers ahead, just general impressions that will hopefully get some points across.

This movie supposedly cost $100,000,000 to make. It has Aaron Eckhart, a great actor in his own right, and a decent supporting cast. It hits every cliché you can think of for a war film and crams it into a very tight, video game plot format. It’s very “goal” oriented.

And you know that? It manages to be a pretty decent movie. At times, I really wanted to like it, and maybe even did like it. But something about this movie cut its knees out from under it, and honestly, it never managed to stand back up.

What was it? Shaky cam. I know, I know, I’ve talked about this…bane of my existence, but this time it really made itself a problem.

    See this guy? He was looking for aliens. So was I. The ENTIRE MOVIE!!!

I had the pleasure of seeing it with my good friend Troy-Jeffrey Allen. He is a writer extraordinaire over at http://www.typographicera.com and http://www.forcesofgeek.com. He also writes an awesome comic called BAMN! That can be found here http://www.comixpress.com/store/index.php?main_page=advanced_search_result&search_in_description=1&keyword=bamn. We speak the language of movies, and are therefore friends.

When walking out of the theatre after the film rolled credits, I looked him at him and asked “Was it just me or were there barely any actual aliens in there? I mean, are my eyes going or what?”. He agreed, and then pointed something out to me that I didn’t even think about. He said they used shaky cam to save money. All that shaky garbage shows shoulders and junk, which means they don’t have to pay people to render that stuff. I saw the light.

But now, after thinking about it, I can’t agree. This movie cost $100,000,000. District 9 (2009) showed more aliens, more action, and had more going on and only cost $30,000,000. But let’s take it further. SKYLINE (2010) cost $10,000,000 (or something infinitesimal like that) and STILL showed more alien action than BATTLE : Los Angeles. What the hell? This doesn’t make any sense to me. I mean, all these movies are alien invasion movies (at their most basic) and all focus on action. But what the hell did Battle miss out on? Why did they just show lot’s of shake instead of giving us the beef?

Now, here’s what I told Troy, and what I’m going to drop here. I heard (internet rumors) that the people from SKYLINE (Strouse brothers) were working with the people from BATTLE and something went wrong. Creative split, whatever. So these guys go make there movie, and then battle comes out. Here’s the interesting thing. If you look at the elements of SKYLINE, it is totally making fun of itself. I mean, it mucks up Hollywood, the sci-fi genre, and celebrity culture in general. The things that make it clear was that it was a movie about “aliens” that use “light” to put people in a trance and take their
“brains”. Put movies where light is and put money where brains is and you have a big freaking joke. Also, the writing. It’s so cliché and ham fisted that something had to be going on there. And then, seeing BATTLE, and thinking about it, I had my own epiphany. SKYLINE was making fun of BATTLE before it had even come out. Genius!

While BATTLE has already scored more money that SKYLINE did domestically, it hasn’t grossed double its budget, which SKYLINE has done. So I’d say the Brothers Strouse won this round. They managed to shoehorn more aliens and irony into their film. BATTLE, for all of it’s good parts, which are many, basically combined INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996) with BLACK HAWK DOWN (2011) but sadly didn’t hit the home run I wanted it to. Anyway, just my two cents.

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.

D. Scarzilla

P.S The ultimate insult to BATTLE? In the movie Aaron Eckhart mentions something about a BUSHMASTER. The military guys behind me got all hot and heavy after he said that. Then the scene with the BUSHMASTER weapon is over and one of them say’s “They didn’t even use it.” He sounded just like a kid who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. And that about sums up BATTLE. We just didn’t get what we wanted.

Bonus: Just for Giggles, here's the original short that lead to District 9 and what could have been a HALO movie. Enjoy!!!!

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Zeiram (Zeiramu) (Or Zerum?): This Movie will make you ask why all new movies suck!!!

Zeiram (Zeiramu) (Or Zerum?): This Movie will make you ask why all new movies suck!!!

              

This movie --- oh, this movie! I first saw this on the Sci-Fi Channel (no, I will never call it “Sy-Fy”) back in the early 90s. Needless to say, it blew my little mind along with all the other awesome stuff coming out of Japan at the time (and I do stress at the time…most of the stuff I see now looks like garbage). It’s simple, to the point, LOADED with action and throws in some comedy relief along the way.

Directed by Katei Amemiya, the movie follows the story of Iria (played by Yûko Moriyama) an intergalactic bounty hunter charged with hunting down Zeiram (Mizuho Yoshida, who also played Godzilla in costume) an equally intergalactic biomechanical killing machine that escaped intergalactic prison and has somehow landed on earth! Charged with capturing Zeiram, Iria goes to earth and creates a whole mini dimension to fight Zeiram in so that no innocents are hurt. Of course, two electritrians get caught up in the mess and are forced to escape and try and help Iria along the way. They are the sweet and innocent Teppie (Kunihiro Ida) and the know-it-all bumbler Kamiya (Yukijiro Hotaru).  Also, Iria, in classic sci fi fashion, has a computer assistant named Bob (voiced by Masakanzu Handa) that helps with most exposition and explaining what the hell is going on.

As mentioned before, the action is second to none. It’s off the wall, over the top, and flows very well. There’s guns, loads of explosions, and nifty tricks all throughout the film that make it hard to look away. One of the best shot’s of the movie starts off when Iria and Zeiram first go at it. Zeiram shoots a missile thing at her. The next shot shows her blocking it and the missile flies off and strikes a building behind her, all in the same shot. It’s a beautiful thing, and something that just doesn’t happen anymore.

“Why not,” you might ask? Because in the “shaky cam” world we live in those flowing, all in one shot’s just don’t get put into movies anymore. Today, if someone was shooting the same thing it would be a jittery mess, with zoom-ins, zoom-outs, twists, and some other garbage thrown in. It would just be crap.

Going forward from that, the action goes from shoot ‘em up to hand to hand combat seamlessly, even when stop motion comes into play (that’s right, I said stop motion!). Other elements bring a Power Rangers on steroids vibe to it. There’s moments where Iria and Zeiram perform moves that have no real value except in a overall martial arts sense, or something. Even though they are from space. But whatever, it all works together.

Continuing the theme from Demolition Man and Masters of The Universe, the bad guy makes this a movie to watch all on its own. The film’s namesake, Zeiram has a presence that is right up there with the great Holywood Sci Fi bad guys, including ALIEN (1979), TERMINATOR (1984), and PREDATOR (1987). Looking closer, you can see VERY clear elements from those films that influence Zeiram as a character. He’s got the silent mysteriousness of the Terminator (more so considering that his face doesn’t move), the just plain freakiness of the Alien (at times), and all the trickery and then some of the Predator.

But that’s not to say it is a copy. Far from it, those elements are incorporated into this character and turned into something uniquely Japanese in flavor. Going further than that, the biomechanical elements turn this character into a creator as well as a destroyer. It can take a piece of an enemy (or victim in Kamiya’s case) and make a clone type creature out of it. During the first half of the film it does straight up make a critter that hunts Kamiya and Teppie and does battle with Iria. By the end of the movie you’re asking yourself what can’t Zeiram do.

After watching an interview with the director that featured Yuko Moriyama, he actually talked about how Zeiram, if anything, is a “female” character and Iria is the traditional male character. I thought that was interesting as hell when he said that and made me watch the movie a second time with that in mind. It will make you think.

Iria, being the super bad ass chick with the crazy weapons, is played subdued by Moriyama. It adds mystery to a potentially stale character. I mean, this type of plot always involves a mysterious person or some such, but it works best right here. Overall, she’s an intergalactic bounty hunter, and she talks about intergalactic bounty hunter stuff with Bob, the artificial intelligence side kick. He fills in a lot of gaps, and it’s always fun watching the screen when he’s talking. That’s because he doesn’t have a face. Instead it’s early 90’s computer effects, and boy is that stuff laughable. But, it is impressive that those effects are pretty much the only thing that dates the film design wise.

Going back to Iria, I have to give this movie credit for putting a woman in its strong leading role. It’s part of the directors strategy, and Ridley and Cameron did it with Sigourney Weaver in the ALIENS films, but Zeiram takes it to a whole new level and doesn’t look back. Moriyama kicks, jumps, run, and fights the whole time. She looks tough as nails and makes it all look easy, even though it surely isn’t. Going back to that extra on the DVD, she looked so soft spoken during the interview that it was hard to believe it was the same person that did all that fighting during the movie. For a film that came out well before Kill Bill (2003) and this whole BAD ASS CHICK renaissance we’ve been having I am still impressed.

                                                                     Stil From Zeiram 2

I’m not talking about them too much, but Teppie and Kamiya are a MASSIVE part of the film and provide some legitimate laughs during the movie. A few people on IMDB and elsewhere have described them as the Abbot and Costello of Japanese sci-fi, and I agree. They work great together, the timing is spot on, and they are totally with it acting wise. It might not sound important, but having characters like them take what’s going on around them seriously add to the believability of the film, in effect selling it to the audience. Having actors like these give whole hearted performances instead of phoning it in for a paycheck always works wonders for a movies staying power (I’m looking at you Vin Diesel). As a matter of fact, I said the same thing about Sly Stallone in Demolition Man. (Hmm, maybe I’m onto something?)

But with this film, more so than others, I got to talk up the director. Katei Amemiya has said in interviews that he’s an illustrator and says he thinks like an illustrator when comes up with his movies. This shows the most in the weapon and character designs. In short, they are amazing. All of the guns have detailing that is incredible. Nevermind Zeiram and Iria themselves. Their outfits have flowing, bionic contours that meld into each other. It takes all of that boney liquid form of H.R Giegers Alien and applies it to everything. Even the grenades and headsets look cool and otherworldly. I love it, and it hammers home that whole immersion thing I keep railing about. Oh, and there’s some Blade Runner thrown in there. Can’t forget Blade Runner.

Also, like Masters Of The Universe, the special features are another great reason to check out the movie. That same interview I mentioned before, with Amemiya and Moriyama incorporates behind the scenes footage where he talks about what was going on with the actors, why they filmed in the order they did, and so much more. It’s a great feature, and totally worth it if you can find a copy to buy. I got “The Duology” at Best Buy, and I’m sure Netflix has it. If not go find it yourself. I’m feeling lazy with this post.

                                                                  Still From Zeiram 2

What else can I say about the movie? Hell, it’s a cult classic, and like all cult classics, from Rocky Horror Picture Show to Army of Darkness, it has a flow that just melds it all together into a great fun cohesive whole that makes it a love it or hate it experience. I happen to love it. Yes, it has flaws. At times it’s corny, disgusting, and it is just a Sci-Fi action film. I’m not saying these are bad things mind you, it’s just that they make it a cult film. Zeiram 2 has Iria expressing more emotion and making more “statements” that flesh her out as a character. Kamiya and Teppie are there as well, and it is worth a look. It’s as good as the first, which is high praise for any sequel.

So go out, get it, and enjoy some early 90’s action. Trust me, it is SO so worth. So is the sequel.

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.

Sincerely,

Mr. Doom Scarzilla

PS Special Bonus Clip!!!! Tee Hee!!!!

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Masters Of the Universe: I HAVE THE POWER!!! Or How I Learned to Love The 80's.

           This movie, for all its flaws (which are many) is a gem of the eighties. Personally, I remember watching this movie when I was a child. Specifically, I remember walking the isles of Blockbuster and being SO excited when I saw the box for this movie sitting on the shelf in the kids section (at least I think it was the kids section). Looking at the box, holding it, the anticipation during the car ride, and finally watching it. And...I was disappointed. I was a religious follower of the show. I'd watch it over and over again. The movie opened up big, and was shiny, and it had action. And, Dolph Lundgren looked a great HE-MAN. But the rest of the movies characters didn't match what was going on in the cartoon, there was no Battle Cat (a.k. Cringer), the movie took place mostly on earth (lame) and overall it felt like it needed more in general. Coming from a six year old, those were pretty serious criticisms. But has time softened this cold movie watchers heart? Is there shine to be found in this now legitimately classic movie? Read on to find out more!

            (What follows is a long winded synopsis that actually explains the plot. I did this partly for myself because half of what’s here is indecipherable from watching the film. If you really know the basics, skip it)

The overall story goes on like this. The forces of good are on the run in the far off planet of Eternia. Skelator (Frank Lengella), has imprisoned the Sorceress (Cristina Pickles) and is on a non stop search for godhood. He is in possession of a Universal key that can transport him or his army anywhere in the Universe as long as you know how to “play” the right frequency. He Man (Lundgren) with the help of Man at Arms (Jon Cypher) and Teela (Chelsea Fields) finds Gwildor (Billy Barty, Orko replacement) that developed the Cosmic Key that allowed Skelator to surround castle Greyskull with his army and imprison the sorceress. The whole group is captured by Skelators miniouns but manage to escape using the Cosmic Key. Once they get to earth they are separated from the Key.  In a small town in California Julie Winston (Courtney Cox, SCREAM (1998) is morning the death of her parents with her boyfriend, Kevin Corrigan (Robert Duncan Mcniell, Star Trek Voyager) when they find the key. Kevin thinks the Cosmic Key is a new Japanese synthesizer and they take it for themselves. He Man and his compatriots are stuck on planet earth until they find the key, and meanwhile Skelator has sent his henchman to find the key, and hilarity (I mean chaos) ensues.  

(Synopsis out)

Overall, the movie does suffer from the cardinal sin of cartoon or comic adapted stories. They deviate from the source material and fuse it with a more generic storyline that doesn't interest fans or real action junkies (Sci-fi and Fantasy fans as well). Other movies that have done this are CAPTIAN AMERICA (1990) and numerous others. In that movie there's only two real parts that have Cap in them, and even those suck. TEENAGE MUTANT NINGA TURTLES (1990) is one notable exception. In this post BLADE (1998) era of comic films the major studies are learning their lesson, with films like SPIDER-MAN (2002), 300 (2006), and IRON MAN (2008) proving that (SHOCK!) sticking to the source material can entertain a mass audience and (DOUBLE SHOCK!) rake in huge amounts of cash. Movies based on classic eighties cartoons however...let me put it this way. MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE came out in 1987 and featured He Man and Co going to 1980's earth for reasons stated above. In 2011 we are going to get a SMURFS film. The original show featured their adventures in a town in the middle of a forest. The movie will feature them in New York City. So get ready for “OMG only in New York YOUR FREAKING BLUE MICE” moments. Because, you know, the original premise of the show, which lasted more than a few seasons, isn't good for our kids. Idiots.

But, this is about MOTU (FOR SHORT!)

            The movie itself has a bunch of firsts. It’s the first movie to have Dolph Lundgren in a starring role as the good guy. It’s the first starring role of Courtney Cox, of Friends and SCREAM (1996) fame. It’s also Robert Duncan McNiel’s first staring role. It’s also the directorial debut of Gary Goddard (More on him later! EXCLAMATION POINT!).  All of those firsts make the movie fun to go back to.

            What struck me the most when watching the film was the overall design and costumes, and to a certain extent the quality of both. The movie opens up with a great shot of castle Greyskull. It’s better than the cartoon and many other castles I’ve seen in movies lately. The interior of the castle is also epic and set’s a great tone for planet Eternia.

The costumes design also seal the deal and add lot’s of flavor. The make-up used for Skelator is a good compromise between a real skull and a human face (faces are necessary for acting, after all). Evil-lyn (Meg Forster) and the rest of the bad guys are done in this great heavy metal dark ages look that manages to be corny and cool at the same time. For instance, Skelator is wearing a robe, but if you look at his arms during some scenes you’ll see a few blinking lights. It’s not TRANSFORMERS class special effects, but it’s charmingly eighties and adds some visual verve to something that could be very static.

            Action is what this is all about, and again I’d have to say it’s almost STAR WARS class laser fights mixed with legitimate swordplay are definitely entertaining. There’s fire, laser shows, explosions, and even some cool special effects tricks that warm the action junkies heart. The Cosmic Key, for instance, is one of the most underrated sci-fi artifacts in cinema. It’s probably not that ground breaking technically, but it’s terribly well done and fun to watch. Some of the other special effects are charming by today’s standards. Overall, they range from hokey pokey to wow that’s really cool. I mean, it’s trippy to see miniatures and claymation in this all digital all the time age. I’m starting to miss that stuff a lot.

             Meanwhile, Dolph Lundgren looks the business, is very imposing, and goes from fight to fight convincingly enough. But he’s not HE-MAN enough. I don’t blame him, I blame the movies story. There’s no development to speak of, and most of what he does say is generic and only in relation to Skeletor. The other Eternians make up for it with good performances (especially Gwildor). But it just lacks the HE-MAN we all know and love from the show.  No Prince Adam, for instance. No sitting around a table talking about the troubles of Eternia, or something. It’s a shame, because a little bit could’ve added a lot to this movies story.

Deosn't he just look like he wants all the candy?

In contrast, Frank Langella as Skelator steals the show. There is the same lack of development you get with HE-MAN, but every line that comes out of Frank Langella is so potent with scene chewing bravura you just don’t care. He’s Skelator, and he’s up in this motherfucker, and that’s why he wants to rule the universe. He’s great, he’s (almost) the best part of the movie and absolutely makes this thing worth watching. He’s just great.

                                         Just another day in suburban California.

Meanwhile, planet Earth sucks. It takes up all the middle action, focuses on a couple of teenagers no one cares about, and provides a boring setting for some wild characters. What’s good about it? The Julie Winston story does grab you with her loss of parents theme, and Kevin Corrigan is almost Marty Mcfly likable. They also make this a heavy 80’s nostalgia film. I mean, everything they do just drips 80’s.  But really James Tolkan (TOP GUN (1986), BACK TO THE FUTURE(1985)) freezes this movie in time. He play’s Detective Lubic, a hard nosed cop who gets swept up in the sci fi adventure going on around him. What’s a New York style detective doing in a sleepy California town? Why is he acting like the small towns bureaucracy is driving him crazy? Where’s your hall pass? Who gives a $hit. He’s there, and he makes earth bearable. Okay, I’m being harsh on Earth. It’s not too bad, it just takes away from HE-MAN. So Earth isn’t bad. I guess I like Earth.



Gary Goddard, on left, with the stars of the film.

       

            But now I need to talk about my last two points, and these are the most important. This film is the panicle of Gary Goddard’s career. After this, which came out in the 80’s mind you, he directed two short films in the 2000’s and wrote some stuff and produced some stuff. But this was his only film. So, he did the commentary for this film. Let me tell you something. I’ve heard a lot of commentaries from a lot of filmmakers. I make a point of listening to them because they provide insight into an art form that I obsess over, and they are entertaining in their own right. But there are two types of commentaries. There is the “overview” commentary that is phoned in and talks about largely superficial stuff. Things like “Oh, I felt like crap that day” or “So I convinced insert name here to do it because of the integrity of the project!”. Stuff like that. But this commentary is really special, and something any movie fan should listen to. Goddard talks about the framing of shot’s, specific special effects, what he fought for as Director, the business behind the movie, how the movies ending almost didn’t happen because of lack of funding, how he shot around the ending, and Pig Boy. The story of Pig Boy. He also talks about shots that could have been, like how he should have stayed on Skelator when he turns into a god, and how the movie was MEANT to be filmed in Eternia, but that was scrapped because of lack of funding. Also, Mattel’s involvement. It is so much, and if you are a fan of movies you have to watch. You can hear the love for his work in his voice, and I’ll say right now it’s a damn shame he didn’t make more theatrical films after this. He could have been the John Hughes of Eighties Sci-Fi action movies.

            The last, and most personal things about this movie is when HE-MAN say’s it. He lifts up the sword and screams out I HAVE THE POWER. I hadn’t heard it for years, but when I finally did hear it again I got giddy and sported a full on geek chubby. It was one of those things you don’t realize was missing until you see it. Flat out, no kidding, the best part of the movie, and you should see it because it will make you feel all warm and fuzzy where your heart is. Great stuff.

So the movie has flaws. It does. To be honest, even by eighties standards, it’s not up there with the best. But it is worth watching. Especially for the commentary. So, I ask you to open your heart and give this movie a chance. It will surprise you, and shock you, and it will make you laugh, but most importantly it will make you remember a time gone by with a smile.

Signed with Big Explosions, Guns, Fast Cars, Speed, Scantily Clad Vixens, and Booze.

Sincerely,

Mr. Doom Scarzilla


P.S Here's are some bonus clips...enjoy

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