You ever show up at a movie theatre and just decide to watch something stupid? Something off the wall? Something you otherwise wouldn’t give a damn about? Many movies fit into this category of “f*** it, let go into a dark room and watch light bounce off a screen”. Such classics as SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006) and any movie with a genre name in the title (SCARY MOVIE (2000)(Good) and EPIC MOVIE (2006)(BAD) fit into this description. It was with such a mindset that I went to see ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER.
Produced by Tim Burton, Directed by Timir Bekmambetov, and starring a cast of relative unknowns, the movie did manage to surprise and (gasp!) entertain. Let’s dive into this oddball of a film and run from there.
THE STORY
Surprise, the story of this movie is not craptastic. Based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith (who actually penned the screenplay) it actually works. Is it historically blasphemous and hyperbolic? Sure it is. But it takes what it has seriously, and doesn’t pull punches.
Vampires have been occupying the South for a while now and have been using slaves as a food source for generations. After a vampire kills Lincolns mother he later gets recruited to reap AX revenge against them. Along the way he meets his wife and happens to become president. As if we needed anything else to make us feel lazy, am I right?
But, there are logic holes aplenty. For instance, what is the source of Lincoln’s almost superhuman strength in the film? He’s really f***ing angry. Seriously. That’s it. When you get angry you can do superhuman things. It’s not horrible, but it is lazy storytelling that adds unnecessary stupidity.
THE PEOPLE WHO GET PAID TO TALK
For such a potentially disastrous movie, the acting in the film is actually quite excellent. Benjamin Walker plays honest Abe. He is commendable, if slightly forgettable. Dominic Cooper (Captain America (2011)) plays Henry Sturgess, the man who recruits Lincoln into slayerhood, and he plays a wonderful drunken lady/vampire hunter. Anthony Mackie plays Will Johnson, Lincolns old friend and future bodyguard, and the vastly underrated Jimmi Simpson plays Joshua Speed, another of Lincolns longtime friends and assistant vampire slayer.
The stand out is Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She manages to pull out a heartfelt, serious performance from a film about Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires and for that she deserves an Oscar. Or at least a Gold Globe. Cause she is great. And I’m not just writing that because she is hot like I usually do. I’m writing this cause she can act!
THE VAMPIRES
The Vampires, while passable, have one fatal flaw: they walk around during the day. What the hell is this garbage? That sh** belongs in Twilight and it needs to stay there with the rest of the non blood sucking pansies. Just saying. I want Vampires in my Vampire movies, not vegans.
TIMIR AND TIM, TOGETHER AGAIN
Tim Burton and Timir Bekmambetov came together to produce 9 (2009), a slick but ultimately disappointing movie about puppets meant to save humanity from complete eradication after the apocalypse. Since then ALVH is there first collaboration.
So, Timir I have a problem with. He is celebrated for the NIGHT WATCH Series and WANTED . I have not seen the former but have seen the later. WANTED (2008) featured a rock star cast and a…wait for it…a loom of fate that tells assassins who to kill. There were good action sequences and a fight club like f*** you attitude, but besides that I thought it was a pretty awful movie whose real claim to fame is Angelina Jolie’s ass. What really bugs me is that the movie is celebrated and name dropped like it’s the Citizen Kane of Action movies when it’s clearly…absolutely…not.
But, having said that, Timir does a good job with ALVH. For how ridiculous this movie gets there is a dedication to the tone, to selling it, that I have to admire, and for that reason the movie does make you stick with it. For instance, there’s a part where Lincoln and a vampire are riding a stampede through Illinois. I was about to cringe, but to my surprise it works. Horses are thrown, they jump from one to the other, and it just looks good. It’s fun stuff, and while I may never forget how disappointed I was with WANTED, I do have to admit I’ll be more interested when his next movie rolls around.
Now, what is Tim Burton doing not directing this movie? Instead, he recently came out with DARK SHADOWS (2012), starring his muse Helena Bonham Carter and his other muse Johnny Depp. I saw it, and it was good (should have blogged about it, but what eves) and I liked it. Oh, and Eva Green is amazing. But I wish he directed this instead. He could have taken it to another level, a weirder level, and the movie would have been better for it. In Hollywood directors produce movies they think they cannot, or should not, direct themselves. Lucas did not direct STAR WARS: The Empire Strikes Back (1980). Spielberg did not direct TRANSFORMERS (2007) (DAMN IT!). And Burton passed on this. I think it was a mistake. This would have put him outside of his wheelhouse and challenged him a bit. But that is just my two cents. It’s still a good action movie. Dumb. Real dumb. But good.
Final Verdict
Check it out. It’s good for a laugh and might just surprise. Just don’t expect anything to be illuminated.
PS. Here are some interesting glamour shots of the Ms. Winstead,
A still from Tarantino's DEATH PROOF (2007)
Not sure where this is from....
Or these, but they belongs right here...
PPS. And since this became an impromptu review of DARK SHADOWS, I just happened to have found some stills of Eva Green lying around...silly me.
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