What is a geek? There has been considerable discussion over the past few years regarding the definition. The debate will rage on for many years to come. However, if you want to walk into a geek sphere of functioning with unquestionable credibility, there is one thing you can do.
Learn Klingon.
Even just being able to utter a few words of the robust alien language means you can fly your geek flag high.
Klingon is classified as an actual language by those on Earth who get paid to do the classifying of languages. But for geek cred, you don’t have to become fluent and know the differences between the past perfect and future perfect tenses. With a little time and almost no effort, you can quickly learn enough words and phrases to be cool. Well…whatever “cool” means in a world where grown men read comic books and women enjoy math.
When speaking Klingon, there are two things to keep in mind.
Speak like a warrior.So many of the extras in the Trek franchise utter Klingon like little wussy boys. That is not how it is to be spoken.
Much spittle will fly. This is something with which Klingons are not concerned
If this doesn’t heat your blood, you are not worthy of the language! And for the purposes of this article, assume all sounds are standard English. Sounds that need explanation will follow each definition in italics. A sound/letter will not be explained again if already covered in a previous word.
1. nuqneH? – “What do you want?”
u = as in “gnu” or “prune.”
q = like “k” in “kumquat,” but tip of tongue is touching uvula. Should approximate the sound of choking.
e = as “sensor” or “bed.”
H = like the “ch” in “Bach” or “l’chaim.” The more exaggerated and the more mucous, the better.
Learn Klingon.
Even just being able to utter a few words of the robust alien language means you can fly your geek flag high.
Klingon is classified as an actual language by those on Earth who get paid to do the classifying of languages. But for geek cred, you don’t have to become fluent and know the differences between the past perfect and future perfect tenses. With a little time and almost no effort, you can quickly learn enough words and phrases to be cool. Well…whatever “cool” means in a world where grown men read comic books and women enjoy math.
When speaking Klingon, there are two things to keep in mind.
Speak like a warrior.So many of the extras in the Trek franchise utter Klingon like little wussy boys. That is not how it is to be spoken.
Much spittle will fly. This is something with which Klingons are not concerned
If this doesn’t heat your blood, you are not worthy of the language! And for the purposes of this article, assume all sounds are standard English. Sounds that need explanation will follow each definition in italics. A sound/letter will not be explained again if already covered in a previous word.
1. nuqneH? – “What do you want?”
u = as in “gnu” or “prune.”
q = like “k” in “kumquat,” but tip of tongue is touching uvula. Should approximate the sound of choking.
e = as “sensor” or “bed.”
H = like the “ch” in “Bach” or “l’chaim.” The more exaggerated and the more mucous, the better.
There is no “Hello” in the Klingon language. One Klingon just walks up to the other. When the Klingon of higher rank notices the other, he simply says “nuqneH?” and the second Klingon gets to the point. Do NOT respond to “nuqneH?” with “nuqneH?” You’ll be viewed as an idiot.
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| "I say thee MEVYAP!!!" |
2. mevyap! - “Stop!” or “Enough!”
a = as in “psalm” or “Khan.”
Even Captain Picard knows this one. And knowing Klingon that Jean-Luc knows is industrial strength geek awesomeness.
3. buy’ngop! - “That’s great news!” [literally: “Our plates are full!]
buy’ = sounds just like the English word “buoy,” that floating thing we humans put in the ocean as a marker. The “ ‘ “ is called a “glottal stop.” It cuts the word off abruptly, like when you say “uh-oh.” You don’t say “uhhhhhhh-oh.” You cut the “uh” off sharply.
ng = This is difficult for many people. Say “Singasong.” Then “ingasong.” Then “inga.” Then “nga.”
o = like in “soap” or “most.”
The one Klingon most are familiar with is Worf. He was never happy. And most other Klingons that one sees are usually in battle-mode. Again, not happy. But Klingons love to party and drink and celebrate. This term comes in handy during festive occasions or when you find out that your son successfully destroyed a squadron of Romulan War Birds on his own.
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| Want to mate with her? Better know how to swear in Klingon! |
4. petaQ! – epithet you can direct at a person, no exact translation.
p = give a hard puff of air with this. The more spit, the better.
Q = like a strong blend of the Klingon “q” and “H.” Guttural and raspy.
If you can’t swear in Klingon, you don’t know Klingon. To their culture, it is an art form. And I’ve discovered that if I swear in Klingon when I’m angry, I don’t remain angry for long, because I usually end up laughing.
petaQ is one of the most commonly used epithets. There is no exact translation of it into English. However, if you watch enough Trek, you’ll get an understanding of when it’s appropriate to use. And even if you’re not a Trekkie, you’ll get a feel for it. It’s much, much worse than calling someone an idiot, but not severe enough that it would call for your death by dishonoring someone.
p = give a hard puff of air with this. The more spit, the better.
Q = like a strong blend of the Klingon “q” and “H.” Guttural and raspy.
If you can’t swear in Klingon, you don’t know Klingon. To their culture, it is an art form. And I’ve discovered that if I swear in Klingon when I’m angry, I don’t remain angry for long, because I usually end up laughing.
petaQ is one of the most commonly used epithets. There is no exact translation of it into English. However, if you watch enough Trek, you’ll get an understanding of when it’s appropriate to use. And even if you’re not a Trekkie, you’ll get a feel for it. It’s much, much worse than calling someone an idiot, but not severe enough that it would call for your death by dishonoring someone.
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| "It is a good day to die....BIEBER!" |
5. Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam! – “It is a good day to die!”
gh = considered one letter. Sounds like gargling.
We all die. Thing is, we all think it will be at the ripe old age of 80, in our sleep, after a fine meal, a good bottle of wine and coitus with a 23 year old. However, it could happen tomorrow in a car or airplane. It could be falling down some stairs or off a building.
And you know what most people instantly say when something bad happens?
“Oh shit!”
Don’t let your last words in this world be something so common and undignified, or as a Klingon would point out, very much lacking honor.
Go out like a warrior, screaming Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam!
gh = considered one letter. Sounds like gargling.
We all die. Thing is, we all think it will be at the ripe old age of 80, in our sleep, after a fine meal, a good bottle of wine and coitus with a 23 year old. However, it could happen tomorrow in a car or airplane. It could be falling down some stairs or off a building.
And you know what most people instantly say when something bad happens?
“Oh shit!”
Don’t let your last words in this world be something so common and undignified, or as a Klingon would point out, very much lacking honor.
Go out like a warrior, screaming Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam!
For further exploration of the Klingon language, the most important book you can buy is The Klingon Dictionary by Marc Okrand. The best app for a smart phone, hands down, unchallenged by anything else, is called “boQwI’” which is available in the Google Play store.
And from this writer’s experience, the best website is named Hol’ampaS and can be found at http://hol.kag.org/.
Finally, if you want to keep things super simple, check out the Youtube page of ClearLight23. Last year a series of videos called “Klingon Word of the Day” were made. Lacking production value, but things are kept real simple.
Stephen Sumner is the science fiction columnist for Action A Go Go. Although not fluent in Klingon, he knows enough to start a galactic trade dispute or begin the mating process with a Klingon female.
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