ABRAHAM LINCOLN : VAMPIRE HUNTER - AX ME WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE

You ever show up at a movie theatre and just decide to watch something stupid? Something off the wall? Something you otherwise wouldn’t give a damn about? Many movies fit into this category of “f*** it, let go into a dark room and watch light bounce off a screen”. Such classics as SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006) and any movie with a genre name in the title (SCARY MOVIE (2000)(Good) and EPIC MOVIE (2006)(BAD) fit into this description. It was with such a mindset that I went to see ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER.

Produced by Tim Burton, Directed by Timir Bekmambetov, and starring a cast of relative unknowns, the movie did manage to surprise and (gasp!) entertain. Let’s dive into this oddball of a film and run from there.

THE STORY

Surprise, the story of this movie is not craptastic. Based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith (who actually penned the screenplay) it actually works. Is it historically blasphemous and hyperbolic? Sure it is. But it takes what it has seriously, and doesn’t pull punches.

Vampires have been occupying the South for a while now and have been using slaves as a food source for generations. After a vampire kills Lincolns mother he later gets recruited to reap AX revenge against them. Along the way he meets his wife and happens to become president. As if we needed anything else to make us feel lazy, am I right?

But, there are logic holes aplenty. For instance, what is the source of Lincoln’s almost superhuman strength in the film? He’s really f***ing angry. Seriously. That’s it. When you get angry you can do superhuman things. It’s not horrible, but it is lazy storytelling that adds unnecessary stupidity.

 Benjamin Walker and Mary Elizabeth Winstead at the premiere.

THE PEOPLE WHO GET PAID TO TALK

For such a potentially disastrous movie, the acting in the film is actually quite excellent. Benjamin Walker plays honest Abe. He is commendable, if slightly forgettable. Dominic Cooper (Captain America (2011)) plays Henry Sturgess, the man who recruits Lincoln into slayerhood, and he plays a wonderful drunken lady/vampire hunter. Anthony Mackie plays Will Johnson, Lincolns old friend and future bodyguard, and the vastly underrated Jimmi Simpson plays Joshua Speed, another of Lincolns longtime friends and assistant vampire slayer.

The stand out is Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She manages to pull out a heartfelt, serious performance from a film about Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires and for that she deserves an Oscar. Or at least a Gold Globe. Cause she is great. And I’m not just writing that because she is hot like I usually do. I’m writing this cause she can act!

                              Anthony Mackie posses next to the blood sucker slayer.

THE VAMPIRES

The Vampires, while passable, have one fatal flaw: they walk around during the day. What the hell is this garbage? That sh** belongs in Twilight and it needs to stay there with the rest of the non blood sucking pansies. Just saying. I want Vampires in my Vampire movies, not vegans.

TIMIR AND TIM, TOGETHER AGAIN

Tim Burton and Timir Bekmambetov came together to produce 9 (2009), a slick but ultimately disappointing movie about puppets meant to save humanity from complete eradication after the apocalypse. Since then ALVH is there first collaboration.

So, Timir I have a problem with. He is celebrated for the NIGHT WATCH Series and WANTED . I have not seen the former but have seen the later. WANTED (2008) featured a rock star cast and a…wait for it…a loom of fate that tells assassins who to kill. There were good action sequences and a fight club like f*** you attitude, but besides that I thought it was a pretty awful movie whose real claim to fame is Angelina Jolie’s ass. What really bugs me is that the movie is celebrated and name dropped like it’s the Citizen Kane of Action movies when it’s clearly…absolutely…not.

But, having said that, Timir does a good job with ALVH. For how ridiculous this movie gets there is a dedication to the tone, to selling it, that I have to admire, and for that reason the movie does make you stick with it. For instance, there’s a part where Lincoln and a vampire are riding a stampede through Illinois. I was about to cringe, but to my surprise it works. Horses are thrown, they jump from one to the other, and it just looks good. It’s fun stuff, and while I may never forget how disappointed I was with WANTED, I do have to admit I’ll be more interested when his next movie rolls around.

Now, what is Tim Burton doing not directing this movie? Instead, he recently came out with DARK SHADOWS (2012), starring his muse Helena Bonham Carter and his other muse Johnny Depp. I saw it, and it was good (should have blogged about it, but what eves) and I liked it. Oh, and Eva Green is amazing. But I wish he directed this instead. He could have taken it to another level, a weirder level, and the movie would have been better for it. In Hollywood directors produce movies they think they cannot, or should not, direct themselves. Lucas did not direct STAR WARS: The Empire Strikes Back (1980). Spielberg did not direct TRANSFORMERS (2007) (DAMN IT!). And Burton passed on this. I think it was a mistake. This would have put him outside of his wheelhouse and challenged him a bit. But that is just my two cents. It’s still a good action movie. Dumb. Real dumb. But good.

Final Verdict

Check it out. It’s good for a laugh and might just surprise. Just don’t expect anything to be illuminated.

PS. Here are some interesting glamour shots of the Ms. Winstead,

                                            A still from Tarantino's DEATH PROOF (2007)

                                                 Not sure where this is from....

                                                                              

                                                  Or these, but they belongs right here...

PPS. And since this became an impromptu review of DARK SHADOWS, I just happened to have found some stills of Eva Green lying around...silly me. 

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Our 10 Favorite Action Finales: Number 1!

Let's face it...it's June and were still talking about Marvel's The Avengers. A little over a month since the billionaire blockbuster dropped, we still can't get the film's  Hulk-Smashing climax out of our head 

That got us thinking plenty about some of Hollywood's craziest action finales --- stuff like Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, Kill Bill vol. 1, and, of course, The Wild Bunch. And that got us thinking about making another top ten list.

Daily, from Monday (June 11, 2012) to Wednesday (June 20, 2012), Action A Go Go brings to you our TOP TEN FAVORITE ACTION FINALES of ALL-TIME! We'll run through several genres, explain why it was selected, (hopefully) provide video of the moment, and crown the queen of all action finales --- someone worthy enough to stand beside Hulk charging through an alien's asshole.

-Derek (@DScarzilla) and Troy (@FTVReadAComic).

NUMBER 1

THE WILD BUNCH

      The Wild Bunch may be one of those westerns that non-western fans toss out for film cred, but can you blame them? It features a crew of self-interested outlaws turning their guns on a town full of heartless smugglers. Ultimately, neither of the combatants are worth rooting for. This leaves the viewer with one nasty lingering conclusion: You have to be merciless if you want to live in the Wild Wild West. To us, that leaves far more of an impact than any ending in which John Wayne rides off into the sunset.

NUMBER 2

THE KILLER

As far as Action Movies go, it’s hard to argue that there are more influential movies out there than John Woo’s THE KILLER. From the complex characterization to the surreal gunplay, action movies don’t come better. Oft criticized for all the wrong reasons, it still stands as an international phenomenon and definitely belongs on a list of top ten action endings.

Two enemies, one an assassin and the other a cop, brought together by circumstance and now bound by honor. They find sanctuary in a church, the assassin’s blind lover stranded with them. Then they are surrounded by car loads of gangsters out to kill. All hell breaks loose and everything that was ever cool about gun fights in cinema shows up. Every shot is a finely crafted masterstroke of filmmaking. The camera moves with grace and precision, the editing is amazing, and you never know what’s coming next. The tagline for the English version was “One Viscous Hitman. One Fierce Cop. 10,000 Bullets.” That’s a low estimate.
 

NUMBER 3

THE MATRIX

          

         Where do we begin with this one? I’ve heard it celebrated as the Star Wars of our generations (Y to X), and it is hard to disagree. Hard hitting action, groundbreaking special effects, incredibly influential (X-men, Swordfish, etc. all took hints from it), and mind bending philosophical ideas (really, this is like an action movie hamlet) all add up to one towering film. Unlike the Star Wars franchise, the last two movies fizzled and failed to solidify a true legacy.

      However, no one can argue that they action films weren’t changed forever when Neo and Trinity walked into that office building. That lobby shoot out is so awesome, so relentlessly explosive and --- dare I say --- beautiful, that it is impossible to look away until Neo stops the bullets with sheer will power.

While not technically an ALL OUT ACTION fest like some of the other movies on this list, it’s one of the best, and most satisfying endings to an action movie ever and belongs on this list. 

NUMBER 4

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM

Not to discredit Vic Armstrong or the risks he took sand-surfing from the back of a moving vehicle, but Indy 2’s finale takes the cake when compared to the action of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

In this endless domino-effect of violence, Indy saves the girl, frees a slew of slave children, and eliminates a Thugee enemy with the aide of a rock crusher. He then survives a mine car chase, a flood, a collapsing bridge, and narrowly avoids becoming crocodile food. Also, because this movie came out (and contributed to) the PG-13 rating during it’s infancy, one kid sets another kid on fire.

Yes!

 

NUMBER 5

AKIRA

This is one movie we talked about on the MOKA podcast, and definitely belongs here. Akira, without its insane ending, would still be a beautiful and intense anime, up there with the best, but with this ending it has become a cinematic icon.

Part sexual metaphor, part monster movie, part giant philosophical question, this ending takes you places you never thought you could go. What if your own body was unstoppable? What if your power had no limits? What if you had to fight a god? 

      It’s amazing, mind bending, and enlightening. Good stuff. Just watch it. I still don’t know what’s going on, but I can’t look away every damn time. 

 

NUMBER 6

POLICE STORY 3/SUPERCOP

It's unnecessary to mention that Jackie Chan does his own stunts. But there truly is an added suspense in knowing that a real person is risking their neck versus a computer effect. 

Case in point: In Supercop, Chan and Michelle Yeoh fall from roofs, buses, helicopters, and trains to prove how dedicated they are to action. It makes the whole thing far more thrilling than whatever an ILM cartoon can accomplish.

NUMBER 7

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II

Demolition Man was my first review for this blog and I am glad to bring up STALLONE again here on this list of crazy endings in Action Filmdom. All of the RAMBO films are legendary, but II took action films to truly epic heights.

            In this second installment Rambo is pulled out of jail to perform a special mission for the CIA to find POW’s that are still in Vietnamese (and Soviet) hands. After being double crossed and losing a fleeting love Rambo goes on a epic rampage, blowing people up with a bow and arrow, taking a helicopter and leveling half the country, then taking it to the ground with an M-60 (Pig) that lays waist to anyone in his path. This movie spawned legions of imitators and impersonators but Rambo First Blood Part II

still holds up as one classic heaping bad ass slice of cinematic Americana.

 

NUMBER 8

THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT

After Cutthroat Island, Renny Harlin needed a hit and some marriage counseling, badly. With Long Kiss Goodnight, the director looked to Shane Black (creator of Lethal Weapon and Last Boy Scout) for a guaranteed hit. Questionably, he recast his Cutthroat Island star and then wife, Geena Davis in the lead.

The film flopped, burying the careers of just about everyone involved. However, Davis, Harlin, and Black (with Sam Jackson, of course) did bring their A game with LKG's ridiculous finale. (The film as a whole is pretty danged entertaining too).

NUMBER 9

COMMANDO

ArnoldSwarzenegger. Island full of enemy soldiers. Machine guns. Quad rocket launcher. Need I say more?

In all seriousness, in the Arnoldcannon, COMMANDO is one of his simplest and most ridiculous movies. John Matrix (Arnold) used to be a cammando. People steal his daughter Jenny Matrix (Alyssa Milano) to try and force him to help South American dictator back into power. He destroys everything and everyone while getting her back. He dead lifts cars, he blows stuff up, and takes down armies of men with whimsical ease.

But that ending is just jaw dropping. Its a big orgy of everything that was great about eighties action movies and, aside from TRUE LIES(1994), it's probably Arnold's most fun film.

The ending is below, but please do yourself a service and watch the whole movie on YouTube, as it is a great ride from start to finish.

 

NUMBER 10

PROJECT A-KO

Before Avengers showed us city-wide, aliens vs. superheroes destruction on film, such feats belonged exclusively to anime. 1986's Project A-Ko beat Marvel's film to the punch twenty-six years earlier by turning all of Tokyo into a schoolyard catfight for academic rivals A-Ko and Biko.

We could also argue that it even slightly one-upped the blockbuster by taking the fight inside the alien spacecraft. We could…but that would sound too much like looking a gift Hulk in the mouth.

 

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PROMETHEUS (2012) Can You Help Me Find My Space Monster? I Seem To Have Misplaced It.

PROMETHEUS (2012)

Can You Help Me Find My Space Monster? I Seem To Have Misplaced It.

Directed by: Ridley Scott

Written By: Jon Spaihts and Damon Lindeloff

Starring: Noomi Rapace (Elizabeth Shaw), Michael Fassbender (David), Charleze Theron (Merideth Vickers), Idris Elba (Janek), Guy Peirce (Peter Wayland), and Logan  Marshall-Green (Charlie Holloway).

Few movies have had the impact that the original ALIEN had in 1979. The movie drips with style, had a breakthrough female lead, a truly unique (and terrifying) creature, overtly sexual overtones, and it’s all surrounded by the emptiness of space. It set sail to more sequels and tie ins that just about every franchise save Star Wars and Star Trek and represents a dark antithesis to those space opera epics that envision a future or galaxy far far away where different species can coexist and live in harmony. In this future the creatures are out to kill and violate you from the inside out.

            But the one part of the movie that has made movie goers scratch their heads for decades has been this; who the hell was flying the space ship that these things were found on? Lovingly called the “Space Jockey” by the crew, it’s a minor set piece that almost didn’t make it into the film to begin with, but has since been the only clue to where the xenomorphs came from.

            Flash forward 30 years and director Ridley Scott has decided to grace the world with some answers. It’s hard to believe that after 5 sequels (yes, I am including the AVP’s, cinematic excrement that they were) no one thought to dive into that realm of mystery. Why, you might ask? One reason would be that the mystery behind the ALIEN franchise is what makes it so terrifying. It’s a creature from the darkest part of space that violates you in the most horrible ways imaginable.  Adding any rhyme or reason to that, any back story, could basically make it less special, or worse, flat out not satisfy the same audience you are trying to please. Take a look at STAR WARS “prequels” to see how delving into your own cinematic mythos can horribly backfire.

            So, Ridley wants to dip his toes in those ALIEN waters after 30 years. Who do you call for support? Damon Lindeloff of course! Jon Spaihts wrote it too, but he hasn’t been interviewed, so let’s just leave him to the side for now. The superstar writer of LOST did the rounds pretty hard, talking about how he doesn't write stuff that "awnsers" any questions or some such. As a die hard ALIEN fan, that's quit disconcering.

But the movies out now, and it's time to find out where this movie stacks up compared the movies that came before (after?)  and what just might be down the pike.

SOMETHING SPECIAL TO LOOK AT

Oh boy, the special effects. Have you seen special effects? Well, let me tell you, this movie takes Sci Fi special effects to a whole new level of beauty. I’d say not since CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) have special effects played such a wondrous role in a sci fi movie. Sure, AVATAR (2010) had such moments as well, but the alien tech in PROMETHEUS is so lustrous, so enchanting that it pretty much steals the show half the time. It doesn’t matter what is being accomplished in the scene, it’s just pretty and you can’t look away.

Never mind the fact that all the “alieny” stuff looks like it’s about to just out of the screen and impale/cut/slash/impregnate you. The creatures are fun, new, and slightly familiar. More on that later.

THOSE PEOPLE WHO GET PAID TO TALK

The cast is full of stunning talent. It’s literally too much to go over here. The standouts? Idris Elba, Charleze Theron, and Roomi Rapace. All so good, and all so believable.

The standout? Michael Fassbender as David, the lovable huggable android tasked with watching over the ship and guiding the mission along. The very beginning of the movie is dominated by him and it is truly fascinating. It’s brings to mind MOON (2009), a movie where Sam Rockwell carries the entire movie playing an Astronaut who meets himself while working on a lunar mining operation. With David, there is the same vibe. This entire film could’ve been about him, an android wandering through space looking for God, and it would have been incredibly interesting. But I digress; David steals the show, and will undoubtedly go down in movie history as another one of Sci Fi’s great android characters.

WHAT THE F&^$ IS GOING HERE?

What about the story? The first half the three fourths of the movie are absolute genius, It sucks you in and does not let go. We find out about the characters, we find out about the planet, and we maybe even learn about the aliens, and the engineers (or the “space jockey”) that created all of this wondrous stuff.

            The last part? It sort of falls apart. Stuff happens. Lot’s of stuff. But are there answers? No. Is the pacing as taught as the original Alien? No. It’s a jumbled mess. Also, plot holes MILES wide start to show through and things start to get confusing. Not in the “wow this is so smart I need to figure this out” way. No, it’s the “what the hell is that bitch thinking?” sort of way. It’s a shame because up until this point, where things start to collapse, it’s a genius film that demands your attention.

            ANYTHING ELSE WRONG?

            The make up could be better? It needs more aliens? Boobies? To be honest, this is an all around good movie that you should see, if you already haven’t. It will make you think and be glad movies like this are still being made. It will not give you answers. As a matter of fact, the best answers I got were through Twitter. THANKS TROY(AND DAMON LINDELOFF HIMSELF)

http://cavalorn.livejournal.com/584135.html

In this live journal blog there is actually more explained than in the actual movie, and it actually makes sense. However, it does make BIG extrapolations that are not explicitly in the movie. And even with this explanation, there are STILL big logic holes. And the ending is still a mess.

So go see it. And enjoy it. It is pretty. But not smart.

PS. Do you want to listen to a spoiler heavy argument about where this stacks up against the other ALIEN movies and Ridley Scotts movies General? Than follow the link and get ready for some expletive soaked fan ranting that will make you laugh, maybe cry, and definitely laugh some more. ACTION!

http://wearemoka.blogspot.com/

pps also read this because this is funny. SO FUNNY. Could not say it better myself.

http://m15m.livejournal.com/23209.html

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Marvel's The Avengers

Stunts and Effects: 100%
Logic: 45%
Soundtrack: 85%
TnA: 50%
Cognitive Decline of Audience: 30%
Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 12 out of 12

Marvel's Avengers. Is it the best superhero film ever made? I
don't think so. It's charming (sure), exciting (absolutely), and
hilarious (more often than not) --- but what it isn't is just a
movie.

Films like 1979's Superman: The Movie (my personal #1), 1997's
Blade, and even 2008's Iron Man were films with traditional
three-act structures --- the bread and butter of any motion
picture. Avengers is also assembled as such, but this particular
presentation is informed more by the numerous obligations to its
fans.

Director-writer Joss Whedon had an unenviable task. He had to dot a lot of Is and cross a lot of Ts. Technically, this is the sixth film in a series and not simply the first Avengers movie. Whedon
makes it appear easy, but it also feels more like a giddy third act to Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, and Captain America: The First Avenger. Basically, it doesn't spin on
its own axis.

Should he be criticized for it? Nah.

It is more important to focus on the fact that the filmmakers
have changed what the expectations are for a major Hollywood
blockbuster. Avengers isn't so much a movie as it is the
culmination of a four-year passion project spear-headed by
Marvel, seconded by Disney and Paramount, politely escorted by a
posse of filmmakers and effects wizards, and finally --- securely ---
 cast off into popular culture by writer-director Joss Whedon.

Basically, Marvel's The Avengers isn't just a movie, but a new
cinematic feat of superhero proportions.

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Dueling Movies: ACT OF VALOR (or CALL OF DUTY: NAVY SEALS) vs THE RAID : REDEMPTION

Where does reality stop and entertainment begin?

That’s the question I had to ask myself after watching two of the most completely different action movies to come out this year. I am referencing Act of Valor and THE RAID: REDEMPTION. Each has its good points, its bad points, and one is probably the best action movie I’ve seen this year (and may be the best one, depending on how AVENGERS/BATMAN/PROMETHEUS go).

Let’s discuss ACT OF VALOR first. From the first time I saw the trailer I was buzzed. Real Navy Seals. Guns. Explosions. By the way, have you heard that this movie has active duty Navy Seals? That sounds like a recipe for success right there. So I waited, and waited, and finally I saw the movie. I was left impressed, but at the same time let disappointed.

Let’s talk about the good bits. Military movies are a dime a dozen these days, but this movie manages to capture the sheer epic awesomeness of what our modern military is capable of. These guys are flying through the sky, riding battle ships, hoping on submarines, and everything else. I know Michael Bay shows this stuff all the time, but this movie somehow does it better even though it had a tenth (or twentieth?) of the budget.  

Wherever these guys go it’s also head shot city. Seriously, it’s like that the only place Navy Seals shoot people. It’s scary.

The action was intense as well. It’s so intense that there are moments when it’s about what these guys DON’T do that impresses the hell out of you. Such as how they managed not too shoot each other when walking around blind corners. Stuff you normally don’t think of in an action movie, that’s where this movie surprises.

The acting from the villains and side characters also manages to surprise. Rosalyn Sanchez plays a doctor who is spying for the C.I.A and Nestor Serrano plays an agent who’s sent to protect her. Both bring some serious acting chops to the movie. The best performances come from the bad guys, however. Alex Veadov plays Christo, an arms dealing thug out to ensure that his criminal empire does not crumble under his feet. Interesting bit of trivia, he is also one of the voice actors for the CALL OF DUTY series of Video Games. No, really, check him out on IMDB. Jason Cottle plays Abu Shabal, a ruthless Muslim terrorist who will stop at nothing to create a horrendous act of terror that will bring the U.S economy to it’s knees. These two men give the best performances, by a long shot, and frankly end up being the best (maybe only?) dramatic part of the movie.

                       Oh my, a second Rosalyn Sanchez picture. Where did you come from?

After that, there isn’t to much too this movie, at all. Sure, these guys are bad ass and do incredible things that the average person can’t do. That’s great. Apparently, the only other thing these men talk about, ever, is there children. I mean, every five minutes it’s “hows my daughter, what about the baby on the way, blah blah blah”. I get it, these guys have families. I understand. But are there really talking about their families as soon as their done with mission debrief? Really? It made me long for the sexist, hysterical banter from that man movie classic PREDATOR (1987). Hell, Jesse Ventura was former NAVY SEAL and he acted like he cussed and hollered and…dare I say, acted. But that’s another conversation.

Also, it feels like a video game. From start to finish, it’s mission this and mission that. The first person viewpoint doesn’t help matters much, either. It even has cheesy cut scene animations. So, just to remind you where South America is we’re going to superimpose a giant map on the screen. Because nobody in the United States knows their @#%$ing geography.

Anyway, the movies not bad, it just isn’t great. Unlike THE RAID: REDEMPTION, which is the most intense action movie I’ve seen in a LONG time.

The movie opens up with the youngest officer, a rookie by the name of Rama (Iku Uwais). He wakes up, trains, and says his morning prayers. Finally he says good bye to his pregnant wife. Thankfully, the sentimentality stops there. Rama gets on a truck with 19 other officers going into battle and everything is explained and they all go into hell.

Hell in this instance is a 30 floor hotel that gives criminals safe housing for a price. Ray Sahetapy plays Tama, the crime lord that runs the place. He does an awesome job. Yayan Ruhian plays the unstoppable Mad Dog, Tama’s most lethal henchman and Doni Alamsyah plays Andi, Tama’s right hand man who runs everything when Tama isn’t shooting people or bashing their heads in with hammers.

So, the story is that simple. What ensues is just one incredible action sequence followed by another incredible action sequence. Full disclosure, I’m not a huge fan of modern day martial arts films. They’re too clean, to repetitive, and too absurd. This movie has totally changed that for me. The martial arts execution in this movie is flawless, shot clean, and above all you feel the grittiness of the action. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve heard an audience collectively go “OH” so many times for just one movie. The scenes were that damn good.

Gun play, knife fighting, machetes, fists, feet, and even refrigerators. This movie throws everything at you. Also, the sound track is pretty damn amazing. The cinematography is excellent. The editing is top notch. I’m running out of compliments here.

But is it perfect? No. It’s comically simple, the premise doesn’t make that much sense, and some things are just ridiculous. Besides those three general things, the movie plays by its own rules and delivers.

Which brings me to my final point. The Raid Redemption does not have “active duty Navy Seals” or bright shiny aircraft carriers or fancy graphics that show you where Europe is. No, it has none of these things. What it has is good guys, bad guys, and a whole lot of talent in between. And that’s enough. Act of Valor brought the real deal SEALS, lot’s of back story and fancy graphics and barely manages to excite as much as The Raid does.

Again, not to say it was bad. It manages to deliver the unexpected and the action is incredibly well done.  But it bogged itself down with gimmicks, and to me represents something dangerous. I have a feeling people looked at Call of Duty Modern Warfare and decided that that is a great premise for a movie. Why is that dangerous? It’s dangerous because it could lead to the oversimplification of action movies to the point where you really are watching nothing but explosions and gunfire and next to nothing else but clichés and stilted dialogue.

Now you could say the same thing about The Raid, but there is one huge difference between these two movies. Style. The Raid goes in your face, shows you how dirty life can be, and makes it a fun rollercoaster to the point that it makes people cheer. Act of Valor, for all of its “realness” comes off as a one and half hour long commercial for the military, which is not high praise.

Act of Valor

Stunts and Effects: 60%

Logic: 80%

Soundtrack: 30%

TNA: 30%

Cognitive Decline of Audience: 50%

Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 7 out of 12

The Raid: Redemption

Stunts and Effects: 90%

Logic: 50%

Soundtrack: 90%

TNA: 10%

Cognitive Decline of Audience: 50%

Overall Inches on the Action Erection Scale: 11 out of 12 

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Haywire

HAYWIRE : Close, but not close enough.

Soderbergh, as a Director, has a special place in my heart. One of the classes I took while at Maryland University was “Soderbergh and the New Film”, and it with that class I was able to appreciate not only what Soderbegh does to make his films different, but the influences that affected his film making along the way. It was an interesting, holistic take on modern cinema and rubbed my face into all his foibles and triumphs, from Schizopolis (1996) to Contagion (2011).

                           This is the face I made when I heard Soderbergh was doing an action movie...

 

Now, me being a hug action movie fan, I was a little worried about Haywire (2011). Sure, from the preview (and hype) it looked like it had all the makings of a great action film. Car chases, a stellar cast (no, a REALLY stellar cast), lot’s of shooting, and the amazing Gina Carano. The real deal MMA fighter knock out Gina Carano. Nuff said right there. But here’s Soderberghs dirty little secret as a filmmaker. He doesn’t like giving audiences what they want. Or what they “expect”, or whatever. He spends a lot of time trying to figure out a new way to cross the street, if you will. While from a film history perspective that makes him more of an “artist” than the next guy it doesn’t always add up to an enthralling movie experience. Heartfelt maybe. Endearing. But it’s not going to give you that action fix you need.

 

So I went into this tongue in check, expecting Soderbergh to tease and juke when he should jive. Sadly, he did not surprise me with a straight up action film. He pulled his artsy stuff. But first, I want to talk about the good stuff.

 

This Gina Carano chick….I’ll be honest, I never heard about her before this movie, but I am head over heels now. She can kick ass with the best of them and her character Mallory makes Jason Bourne look like a bubbling little bi%^$. Every scene where she is fighting is butter. It’s the anti Bourne movie in that sense, which is almost why I almost love it. The fight scenes are played straight, and you get to see all the kick ass glory with no cheap editing tricks and gimmickry. This is hardcore cinematic fighting at its best. Oh, and she’s stunning. By the way, did I mention that she is stunning?

 

The cinematography of the film is similarly stunning. From the shots of various European cities all the way to New Mexican vistas, this is one of the most beautiful movies I’ve seen in a long time. What’s even better is that some of the fight scenes towards the end incorporate some of those same elements, and again, it’s hard to describe just what Soderbergh is able to capture with his camera.

                                                                     Lucky Bastard. 

 

The rest of the cast is All Star.  Michael Douglas, Channing Tatum, Bill Paxton, Michael Fassbender, Antonio Benderas, Michael Angarano (who is in there, but for some reason I could not decipher), and Ewan McGregor all play major roles in the movie. They all do an excellent job.

 

But, things are not all well in Haywire land. There are three things that drag the movie down and manage to make it unexciting, or even worse, uninteresting along the way. The first and foremost is the story itself. It’s just too simple. Typical spy vs. spy, double cross stuff, but if you look deeper than that there simply isn’t much there. Hush hush conversations, people looking at wringing phones, typing on computers, blah blah blah but at the end of the day it really sticks to a recipe that’s been done to death.

 

Also, the music is completely wrong. It’s got this jazzy, fruity score that simply doesn’t belong in this movie. Oceans Eleven (2011)? Sure, put all the Jazz ensembles you want, but not it some supposedly hardcore action thriller. He should have taken a lesson from RONIN (1997) here. It’s simply a huge let down that takes you out of the moment.

 

Last, but certainly not least, is that for all the acting talent in this movie everything is played so straight it’s just not fun. This last point could’ve helped the first one, but unfortunately there are no peaks and valleys, just monotone conversations. Gina, for all her action sense, is too unbending throughout, and everyone else just looks uninterested. Playing it understated is great when the situation calls for it but it also has a tendency to suck the life out of the picture.

So what’s the verdict? I would say go see it. It’s a beautiful, hard hitting film with a step in the right direction for women in action films. It’s not one of the best, however. And I'm pretty sure the whole movie is simply a metaphor for the inherent violence and hatred involved in male/female relationships. But it’s not a bad movie, no, it just doesn’t manage to hit the right notes. 

P.S GINA CARANO GINA CARANO GINE CARANO GINA CARANO GINA CARANO!!!!!!!

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