Jennifer Lawrence is a young and rising star that has appeared in memorable films such as X-men: First Class (2011) and The Hunger Games (2012). She...wait. This is pointless. Most have already scrolled past these words, but why haven't you?
Good job! Testing has proven successful!
The planetary wide assimilation is all set to go, so I may as well take this opportunity to explain to those of you that are on a higher evolutionary scale (one not merely driven by the urge for reproduction) that my real name is not Stephen Sumner, nor am I human.
My people have traveled what you call "light years" to blend in with the human population on this third sphere from your sun in order to do some research. Our planet is about to reach maximum capacity and we need another to take over...er...I mean...peacefully engage with for the mutual benefit of both species. (Genocide and/or enslavement are not, I repeat, NOT options. At least, as far as I know. Keeping pets is ok. And there was that one incident in the Gamma Cluster with the 5 billion Klatuu, but they were about to go extinct anyway since they were so dependent on fossil fuels...oh...wait...pretend I didn't write that.)
We use media such as this to sort out which humans we'll keep...I mean, be cohabitants with, and which we'll use as an energy source...um...I meant "send to a pleasure colony" in the Orion Nebula. On spaceships. That will never, ever, never return to Earth again.
So congratulations human. Simply by reading these lines and displaying that your cognitive faculties have risen above the level of an Amazonian four-toed tree sloth, we've been able to process a retinal scan ensuring you a bright and wonderful future as one of our pets...that is, neighbors.
Transmission end.
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